The Lovell Dies Crapsite

I can see the horizon. The shades of colors play across the sky. I spread my arms. Let the wind push against me. The fear engulfs my mind. The black wings reach out to me from a distance. I feel the clouds. I require an ability to judge distance. I lose sense of time. I lose faith. I look left. I look right. I take a step. I rarely like sunny days. I feel the wind. I don’t feel fear anymore. Fear is not something that can remain. Time is nothing from now on. Wishing this is real.

Disconnected by a smile. I see the lady from the window. I’ve seen her every day. For so many days. She sees me. The look of shock on her face is new to me. Never has she seem me this way. Never will I see her this way. I shall disconnect a million miles. Hope will set you free.

If I knew where I was going, I would already be there. Do you like the way the water tastes? All he took from me was lust. Black wings carry me through the sky. Why does this feel like forever?

The raindrops hit the back of my neck. A thousand drops hitting the pavement below. I’m one with the drops. A thousand drops making their way down. Fate. The wind blows harder. I want to change directions. But I don’t really know. I can’t really tell. Now its too late. I can’t see the horizon anymore.

Disclaimer: Graphic text. Reader discretion is advised. If you like babies, then stop reading now. No seriously, stop! Now!

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I hereby announce my new campaign titled, Death to the Boy Child.

Now, now, don’t fall for those innocent looks. So we have all heard about that phase of female infanticide in India. Those of you who haven’t, you gotta click on that link you just saw. Back in the day, these crazy people here in India suddenly realized that cute little baby girls were of no use. They found them to be a burden. They were a bane to the families they were born into. And so, like it wasn’t cruel or anything, those mother fuckers started to kill the baby girls. I shall not indulge into the means of how this was brought about as I may lose readers.

What those dumb fuck did not realize was that our generation would have to suffer. Have you ever stepped onto the street and wondered, “Fuck, the place is full of ugly dark men”. I mean, where are the fucking girls?! Where is the estrogen? Show me some menopause. But no! You are walking around and its just freaking disgusting males all over the place! And then suddenly one woman will appear from nowhere and, not that she is hot or anything (considering that this country’s population comprises of 90% ugly people, women included), all the ugly men will start to stare at her. For fucks sake, she is not even hot! Fuck that shit! Not to mention the scratching of the crotch ritual that most Indian men follow.

It must have been all fancy back then, during the 80′s to kill the girl child. All that the freaking fools could think was, “Oh fuck, its a girl again, we are running out of dowry”. Fuck this country. Dowry is some other bullshit that is still in vogue here. I’ll dedicate a post for that some other time. But yes, as I was saying, the poor little girls were killed and all we are left with today is so much cock and no vagina!

Five million girls were eliminated between 1986 and 2001. I read that shit somewhere. Oh fuck, wait, I was born right about then. You older fucker, if you are reading my blog, then I have a message for you. From the bottom of my heart and with all due respect, I just wanna say, “Fuck you, you fucking ruined it for me and my friends”. Who the fuck kills baby girls?!

Look at her! What has she, and the other millions of her, done to deserve this!! I can understand if your baby was like freaking ugly. There is no place for ugly babies in society. Now, before you can start abusing me for making that statement, let me defend it. Imagine your ugly child at school. He/she is so ugly that all the other kids make fun of him/her all the time. Now, you don’t want that to happen right. In that case, you are free to kill you kid. We have enough of ugly people in this country. We shall start the ‘Kill the Ugly Baby’ campaign some other time.

Fore fathers, you have to be given credit for screwing this country over. They say that Indian men are the greatest perverts. I do agree. You may read this blog post on why Indian men disgust me. But the only people to be blamed are the fore fathers of these Indian men.

Now imagine little innocent Indian boy, growing up with all cock around him. All cool, he runs around play with the other innocent Indian boys chasing balls and butterflies. And then, suddenly with no warning whatsoever, he grows up! And once grown up, he goes away from home and his beloved boy friends to places where there are girls! Suddenly, he sees boobs and he is like, ‘Wow!’. The forces of nature take over. The Indian boy, now an Indian man, scratches his crotch. He stares at these amazing creations filled with estrogen. Indian man does not know what to do. He keeps staring.

Suddenly Indian man is at the beach. He sees feminine skin, and he knows not how to react. Indian man goes says something stupid to her. She tells him to fuck off. Indian man displays rage and abuses her. Newspaper prints that the girl was scantly dressed hence Indian man acted the way he did.

And who is to be blamed?!?!?! Fore fathers, if only, you had let the little Indian boy have little Indian girls around him when he was small, he would have known where the boobs came from and would not have to explore the woman like she was something that fell off a space ship. Had you killed the baby boy instead, we could have had Indian girls abusing the men, and trust me we are totally fine with that. But no!!! You killed the baby girls!!

Back to what we started off with. How can you kill a baby girl! Yes, people from the older generations, I am really disappointed with you. And yes, fuck you!

What you guys have done cannot be forgiven! Lets have two minutes of silence, and while we are at that, lets try and picture how much eye candy there would be on the road had our forefathers killed the boy child instead. Now, before you can lash out and say, “Hahha, Lovell, you fucking dumb fuck of all dumb fucks, you were born in the 80′s, you would be dead too”, I’d like to stress on the fact that I was born on a great day somewhere in 1985 and records state that the female infanticide started some time in 1986, so I’m fucking safe!

Which bring me to my campaign. Death to the Boy Child.

• Aren’t you fed up of all the ugly men around?
• Aren’t you done watching ugly men pee anywhere and anytime?
• Aren’t you done with ugly men staring at your assets, even though you are not even hot?
• Aren’t you fed up of all the groping and letching?
• Aren’t you fed up of all the Indian men?!

If ‘yes’ was the answer to any of the above questions, then I have to make one thing clear. We cannot, and by no means kill these grown up ugly men. Society is against us, because society is full of these Indian men. Hence, I’d like you to join me in starting the ‘Death to the Boy Child’ campaign. All that we have to do is request all the parents to kill their baby boys. Parents who have male kids below the age of 10, can join in too. Lets not do what our fore fathers did. Lets kill the baby boys instead. If China can do it, then India can do it too!

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to one of the most educational posts on this crapsite. Today we shall discuss smart phones and the evils associated with it. Lets jump all the mumbo jumbo and go straight to the point.

Below are examples are smart phones.

Sleek, attractive, sexy, smooth, seductive, orgasmic, beautiful, any term that would make you fell good, would be a great term to associate with these phones. I mean, stop whatever you are doing, take a deep breath, look at these phones and drool over them. Ah, nice! Yes, say their names.

Now, lets see something that is NOT a smart phone.

This my friends, is a example of a weapon. Bulky, heavy, fat, ugly. I’ve run out of adjectives to describe these outcasts. But mind you, these phones once ruled the earth. A lot of you people, especially those of you born in the 90′s would be like, “Nokia 3310, whats that?” This is it my friends. This is it! This is what we term as a Dumb Phone.

You may be wondering, what about the BlackBerry?

BlackBerry. What can I say about it. They do this amazing job in bridging the gap between the Smart Phones and the Dumb Phones. Lets have a look at one of the more sexier phones that RIM has managed to produce.

Yes my friends. Meet the BlackBerry Bold. Ugly as freshly produced poop. Huge enough to make me utilize both my hands to hold it, while I punch the tiny keys with the tip of my nose. A screen small enough to make the Nokia 3310′s screen look amazingly huge. Voila! But, but, but, before you start judging this phone based on my sarcasm and ridicule, I would like to stress on the statement I made before. BlackBerry has bridged the gap between the Smarts and the Dumbs. It really caters to the crowd searching for something that has the features of bulky, ulgy, huge from the Dumbs with a decent screen and some fancy features from the Smarts. So here we have it. The greatest of them all. The BlackBerry!

This is one phone that has made people want it more than they actually require it. Hats off yo you BlackBerry. I don’t get their BlackBerry Boys ad. I mean, how did they manage to find so many good looking eunuch to dance on that filthy gay ass yellow backdrop!?! But thats where you gotta give it up to BB. They target the dumb fucks in society and they pierced the message straight through their puny brains. So pat on the back BB. Awesome job!

The folks who use BBs can be classified into two categories. The wanna be users and the forced to use users. Lets talk about the forced to use folks first. These are those balding men, with a few strands of grey hair here and there. These folks move around in suits and will normally have another phone, like a Nokia or something, which they use to make phone calls, especially to family. The BB is used only to check email and take and make calls to clients, etc. These folks get paid shit loads, they may break their BB and their company will replace it. They don’t pay the crazy bill that the phone generates. And once in a while you will see them use the BB as a paper weight. These guys will never check their SMS and they never install any apps. They just use it out of the box. And this is how the BB was intended to be used. Hence the ugly design and massive weight.

Then RIM (the makers of BB) realized they had a problem. There weren’t enough of balding men in suits to sell phones to. And the recession thing also came along. Lots of balding men in suits lost their jobs. RIM was gonna get fucked. But then, the Angel of the Death appeared and said, “Make some more uglier phones, make them of plastic, then make what would be known as a gay ass mofo’ing ad with a ton of eunuchs, and sell ye phone to the millions of dumbfucks”. And so it was done. As the scripture of the Anti-Christ foretold, the BBs were now going to target the dumbfucks.

That brings us to the second type of BB users. The wanna be users. These are folks mostly found in their late 20′s. They suddenly realize they need to own a BB. Not that they have any clients to tend to, but more because it is part of that social status thing. The problem with society these days is the more you can show off, the more cool it makes you. It screws you from the inside, but on the outside, you are stud material. These wanna be folks, land up buying one of those plastic versions of the BB. Why? All because if they were to buy what the men in suits had, then they would have to sell off both their kidneys.

The next thing they do is not read the manual. Now, the men in suites don’t require to read they manual. They just need to either make, answer or cut calls. RIM, with their rocket science research has very nicely catered to this issue by providing a keypad for making calls, a nice green button for answering calls, and another nice red button for ignoring calls. Composing, reading and replying to emails have been also take care of. Hence the men in suits are set. They don’t give a shit about the 1.3mp lousy camera or the lousy background wallpaper that they will never change. Neither do they care if the the phone can handle audio or video. Which brings us back to the wanna be folks.

These guys will not read the manual. But they will unbox the shit and start installing all the possible apps they can. They then will find out that BB has this BB pin thing going on. Thanks to the not reading of the manual, these folks, dumbfucks that they are, start this massive search on how they can locate their BB pin. After hours of searching and eating the minds of other BB user, they manage to find it and then post it all over the internet. On  finding how exciting this whole process was they then move onto the next ignorant step. That being, using the BB network. What people don’t realize is that they can use GPRS or free WiFi and freaking do the same shit they do on the BB network. But no! I have a BB pin, I’m gonna use the freaking BB network. So they then pay a shit load for this service. They think being ‘connected’ 24×7 is the new shit. But what they don’t realize is the massive bill they will encounter at the end of the month. The balding men in suits don’t give a shit about the bills as their companies pay for that. But the poor wanna bes shed a tear and pay shit loads at the end of the month.

May God bless these people. May the paper weights in their pockets one day teach them a lesson in dumbfucknes and how to handle it.

Having said all this, let me spend some time talking about the real smart phones. I would like to talk about the Iphone 4, but the latest update I got was that Steve Jobs and his team of brainwashing morons put the antenna outside the phone and you cant make phone calls. So we are left with something that I would term as Ipad Nano. And, since that is technically not a phone, I cant really give any opinion.

So that brings us to the last and the most intelligent of all phones. The Android phones! All you folks who suddenly went, “Er, Android? What’s that?”, you guys can stop reading now. You either belong to the dumb phone or BB user groups. So before your brain could be taxed any further, I’d suggest you stop reading.

The Android phones are made for the smartest of all folks. These folks can be classified under the geek category. These folks don’t really go out to buy a phone, but hey, that fancy device got a phone built into it, so thats like an epic win! Android is simple. You log into the phone using your Google account. Your calendar, contacts, email, photos, everything gets synced with one touch, and the next thing you know your phone is your new computer.

Then one day you realize your Android phone is missing. I bet it must have been robbed buy a BB user. If you were a BB user, you would sulk, cry, drink, cry, sulk and go, “Oh no, my entire life was on that phone, booohoooohooo”. But no! You are an Android user. You go buy a new Android phone and you press sync. Your entire life is back on your phone.

Now lets see some real life scenarios where the Android makes the world a better place.

Scenario #1:
You are composing an email on your laptop, typing some stuff to you girlfriend telling her that she’s the best girl ever and all the bull. And then, suddenly realize you need to take a shit. You just need another 5 minutes to finish off the mail and send it before she goes to sleep, but at the same time nature is pushing hard against your already clinched butt cheeks. Enter the Android phone. You take your phone in your hand, put down the toilet seat, blast off to glory while you finish your mail and click send!

Android, keeping couples together since 2008.

Scenario #2

You are pissed drunk. You step out of the bar and cant recollect whether your girlfriend’s home is towards the left or the right. Enter the Android. You turn on the GPS, you fire up Google Maps. You search for the name of your girlfriend’s apartment. If you cant type, there is voice recognition. You choose ‘show walking directions’ and then follow the blue line. The GPS updates your position real time, and at the finish you are at your girlfriends home.

Android, keeping couples together since Google Maps upgraded.

Scenario #3
You are at the book store and browsing through the ‘Best Sellers’ section trying to pick a book for your girlfriend. You suddenly realize that there are some books that don’t deserve to be in this section. Enter the Android. You start the ‘Google Goggles’ application. You either click a photo of the book or the bar code and then read the reviews online. Turns out some of the books listed in that section would have influenced your girlfriend to break up with you. You do not buy any of those books. Your relationship is saved.

Android, keeping couples together with the watchful eye of Google Goggles.

And these are just three of the thousands of ways that Android phones make the world a smarter and nicer place. Love to open source.

By Peter Davis

Step 1: Crush the noodles to smithereens.

Step 2: Pour exactly 1 cup of hot water and mix properly with the taste maker.

Step 3: Once mixed, add one spoon of chilly paste and 1 cube of cheese. Riya if ur reading this, add 8 cubes.

Step 4: 4 minutes only. 2 minutes is a lie!

This is it! Always wash it down with tropicana. Personal preference.

If u don’t like this, follow these misleading instructions. You’ll get uncooked crap.

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About Peter aka Pedro, by the Crapsite owner.
Peter Davis is a well know author who is yet to break into the scene. He started writing at a tender age of 2. Initially writing on walls, he the moved to paper and finally onto Google docs. He is known for his sarcasm and wise sense of humor. Peter can be found running around showing off the latest Android phones and operating systems. Off late Peter has been learning HTML, and subject he will write about after getting fired from his current job. On weekends Peter is known to check-in into all the places known to mankind on FourSquare. On Sundays, Peter can be found worshiping the man himself, Jesus, at a small church in Banjara Hills. To know more about Peter, use Google search.

Preface: We’ve broke our mirrors is actually a line out if the song Lithium by Nirvana. I don’t know why I used it as the title, I just think it sounds cool. And, I love Nirvana! You could consider this as a short story, I could may be work on this an make it into a book if I have the time and patience. Lets see what happens.

Disclaimer: The characters in this book are fictitious and bear not resemblance to anyone living or dead. If they do, then lucky them!

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She stood there facing the window. The light breeze gently hitting her face. Her hair swaying slowly as the rays from the evening sun made their way onto her soft skin. He face was glowing, radiating back the sunlight brought onto her. Her beauty was unmatchable. I went and stood with her. She came close, put her arm around me and leaned against me. She smelt the same. She said she smelt like her mother, but I would never know. That’s what her father had told her when she was a little girl. The little girl who did not get to see her mother after her tenth birthday. We looked out of the window and watched the sun make its was towards the hill. I held her close. A few minutes from now the sun would set. She turned to me and stared into my eyes. A tear started to roll down her cheek. I asked her what the matter was.

“Nothing”, was what she said.

“Nothing”. The same response I’d been hearing for the past couple of years.

“Is everything all right?”, I asked her, as I wiped the tear off her cheek.

She just turned and looked at the sun starting to set. It was to be a rainy day. But somehow the rain god had other plans. Then she turned back to me.

“You look handsome”, she said while she straightened my collar and adjusted my tie.
“Love makes people blind.”
“Aha? Since when?”
“Since Eve plucked out that apple and destroyed mankind.”
“You still don’t realize that your jokes are not funny anymore, right?”
“It wasn’t a joke.”

The sun set. A dark shade of orange now took over the sky. Birds flew past the hill, making their way towards home. We could hear children playing somewhere in the distance. Their laughter filling the silence. Then there was a cheer. Someone must have scored a goal.

“Where are the kids playing?”, she asked me, staring out of the window.
“There is a small football ground behind the church. They must be there.”

Then there was silence. We were still there. By the window. She was still holding me. She slid her hand into my coat pocket.

“Did you get the rings?”
“Yes”, I replied while I watched her open the box.

She looked at the rings and gave out half a smile. Was she ready for this? Did she know what she was doing? It started to get dark. Any moment now the clock would strike seven and children would no more be heard. The orange sky was now purple and soon it would be pitch black. I looked at the horizon and thought to myself, “why the sun have to set”? She held my hand, pulled my sleeve back and had a look at the time.

“It’s almost time.”
“Yes”, I replied as I noticed the clock move past six fifty.
“I think I’m ready.”
“I’m glad you are”, I said, not knowing what would be a better thing to say right now.

I slipped the rings back into my pocket, moved away from the window and opened the door for her. She stepped out. What a beautiful sight she was. She walked to the entrance while she warmed everyone up with her sweet smile. I followed. The clock struck seven. The church bell began to chime. She slipped her arm into father’s and they walked down the aisle.