Lovell Dies Crapsite

I’ll tell Mama!!!

- Jolene [Whenever I do some crap]

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FAATTLLIIAAANNN!!!

- Joaquim aka Maddogg.. [During Counter Strike night sessions, when taking a guy down from behind]
- Fatlian = Behind [In Konkani]

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Paul, you should run to the front of the aircraft, bang on the cockpit door and scream “ALLAH HOO AKBAR”!!

- Jayasree to Paul [On the aircraft from Hyderabad to Chennai]

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If we both direct our susu onto the same spot on this wall, maybe we could make a hole in it!

- Me, to Srijay [On a late night gaming session when we decided to pee on a wall instead of using the toilet]

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Aaj mera Bad Luck hi kharab hai!

- Random Guy on Bombay road.

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Tejal: I’m hungry.
Lovell: I’m Lovell.

- Me [Everytime Tejal says she’s hungry]

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Bring your own towel, your own bedsheet and your own underwear.. I won’t allow you to wear mine!

- Lesley [On me going to Bengaluru for the Megadeth/Machinehead concert]

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Chooiiiieee!! [Can be used multiple times, mostly used by me]

- Once used by players of our PVC team.
- If used by goalkeeper it means: Fall back there is a free foward lurking around
- If used by foward: Pass the ball, I’m free
- If used by midfielder: Be alert goddammitt!!!

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When I don’t call home for quite a while.
Mama: You’re not even calling to inquire how we are, what if we were dead?
Me: If you’ll died I’d get the news anyway!

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Me: Gimme a kiss.
Luanne: No!
Me: Gimme two kisses.
Luanne: NOOOO!!!
Me: Ok, either gimme two kisses on the left cheek or one kiss on the right cheek.
Luanne (after little thinking): I’ll give you one kiss.
(I get my kiss.)
Me: Haha, I fooled you!
Luanne: Mamaaaaa…!!!!!

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Kya bhanawat hai!!!

- John in the US, when some super hot woman passed our path.

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This is from the archives of the original Lovell Dies Crapsite. Posted on 08 Aug 2004.

There are times when people open up n say things you don’t want to hear, yet you have to; just because it’s the truth. Agents of Lovell Dies Crapsite kidnapped renowned Right Attacking Midfielder Babushin D’souza , tortured him, beat him up royally n made him speak the truth. And this is the ‘Truth’…

Lovell Dies Crapsite (LDC): So you’re that midfielder who causes problems to all the defenses. Isn’t it?

Babushin D’souza (RD): Who, Me?

LDC: Answer to the point!

BD: Yes, yes it’s me.

LDC: So why are you so good?

BD: I’ve been playing from a young age….

LDC (throwing hot water into RD’s face): SPEAK THE TRUTH!!!

BD (now in agonizing pain): NO!….I’ve been in the SESA Football Academy.

LDC: For how long?

BD: Two years.

LDC: And before that?

BD: I’ve always been playing for the school team……..St. Britto High…..

LDC (cutting in): OK, spare the details. What did they make you do in the SESA Academy?

BD: They made us practiced very hard.

LDC (threatening to throw another mug of hot water): That’s the truth?

BD: Yes.

LDC (throwing the mug of hot water on him): THE TRUTH!! AND IN DETAIL!!!

BD (scared and in pain): No, no, they gave is performance enhancing drugs. Nadronaline to be specific. Two doses daily. We were also injected with hormones so that our body would be able to get to a point of optimality. They also mixed some other drugs in our food. We were treated like animals.

LDC: Don’t blame the academy. It’s your fault for joining it. Now for who are you playing?

BD: PVC Parra.

LDC: I heard you’ll don’t win…….

BD (interrupting): That’s because of our goalkeeper.

LDC (fuming with anger): DON’T SPEAK IN BETWEEN N DON’T BLAME THE GOALKEEPER. LOUSY MORON. All you fowards n midfielders do is blame the goalkeeper for your lousy performances. Leave that aside, now what are your plans for the future?

BD: I don’t know.

LDC (pointing a gun to his temple): Better decide, right now.

BD: Er, may be……er…..

Suddenly a ‘Roterio’ ball comes zooming into the room, hits theLDC Agent’s hand n knocks off the gun. The Agent is shocked. He looks around but can’t see anyone. Another ball zooms into the room n hits the Agent on the head, leaving him unconscious on the floor. Babushin looks up n sees Zinedine Zidane n Luis Figo standing at the far end of the room.

BD (stunned): What the……?

Zinedine Zidane (In French): Nous sommes ta ’saviours’. (We are your saviors).

Luis Figo (he knows English): Yes! You are our future. Our successor in the Midfield.

BD: But how did you’ll manage to save me?

LF: If haven’t noticed, this room does not have a roof. And, my good friend her (pointing to Zidane) managed to curl the ball over the roof n knock the gun off his hand (pointing to The Agent, who was now totally motionless).

BD: But how did the second ball come in?

ZZ: Oui, il bute la futbol par…….

LF (interrupting): Shut Up man, let me do the talking, you do the kicking. Ya, the second ball, I kicked it through the wall.

BD: Oh that’s how all this happened.

ZZ n Figo untie Babushin n then the three of them go to the corner of the room to celebrate their achievement. Unfortunately there was no flag so they pull their jerseys over their heads and start running around the room. While all this was happening, the Agent comes back to his senses, picks up his gun and shoots the threesome. That’s becauseThe Lovell Dies Crapsite always wins in end, by hook, crook or by gun.

(Spare the insults if it wasn’t that funny - Lovelldies).

(This is a true story that happened on 5th Dec 2003 between 8pm and 4am. This is real old shit hand picked from the archives…)

December 5th 2003, a quiet evening, stars in the sky, Christmas carols echoing throughout the neighborhood. Not always does the day come when metal fans get what they want, when dopers get what they need, when starved unnourished souls get vitamins and syrups, and when people get sacrificed. A weird atmosphere engulfed the surroundings of BTF - 6, Chandranath Apartments, Mapusa.

Not many people were there. Just a few, a few who mattered were present. Just around six people excluding the host. Three rockers and three dopers, of which all were hungry - some for food, others for blood. There was no special Birthday Cake, the only thing that did get cut was the birthday boy, and man he did bleed hard. Blood splattered all around the house, the victim quietly bearing the immense pain. A timely introduction of a waterproof band aid was the savior of the moment.

Initially Sepultura set the ambiance with ‘Roots’. Old friends did some catch up. The script of a movie was reviewed. Then came the dose of Pantera. Rockers head banged and tried to break necks. Though no necks broke, the attempt was worth it. The not so divine intervention of food saved the rockers. Seven people consumed a meal cooked for twenty. With all due respect to the mom who made it possible (Daniel’s mom of course). Those poor chickens who sacrificed their lives for the auspicious day should be now somewhere near the pearly gates of heaven along with the other billions and St. Peter.

Dessert was gobbled down in a matter of seconds. Seven spoons in one single gigantic bowl. The Alphonso mango ice-cream was consumed like a carcass feasted upon by hungry vultures. Then came the period in which all the minds were cooled off and some freaks started to make music videos. A web-cam, a Pentium III, some 256MB RAM made possible some really weird and rather depressing but energetic music videos. Sorry to say that only a limited few will have access to these videos.

What happened next was out of the blues. Four people left. They had had enough. But they went smiling. Left back were three old pals. A rocker, a freak and another rocker. They discussed topics which are too sensitive to be written and tortured and murdered a few mosquitoes. Before long the freak left and one rocker washed dishes, while the other just listen to his shit and offered some shit of his own. The washing of the dishes got over, but the talking went on till around 3:45 am and by 4 am, the two rockers lay dead.