The Lovell Dies Crapsite

Sometimes when shit happens, you want to be able to articulate the experience more than just you’ve, taken a shit. Here are some shit definitions to help you explain the situation better to your friends and family…

Thanks to a friend, who did not want his name to be mentioned, for providing this shit about shit!! And, if you guys don’t laugh reading this then you ought to get your rectum checked.

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Ghost Shit
You know you’ve shit. There’s shit on the toilet paper, but no shit in the bowl.

Teflon Coated Shit
Comes out so slick, clean and easy that you don’t feel it. No traces of shit on the toilet paper, you have to look in the bowl to be sure you did it!

Gooey Shit
This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe your ass 12 times and it still doesn’t come clean. You end up putting toilet paper in your underwear so you don’t stain it. This shit leaves permanent skid marks in the toilet.

Second Thought Shit
You’re all done wiping your ass and you’re about to stand up when you realize it…..you’ve got some more.

Pop a Vein in Your Forehead Shit
This kind is the kind of shit that killed Elvis. It doesn’t come until you’re all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.

Bali Belly Shit
You shit so much you lose 5 kilos.

Right Now Shit
You better be within 10 seconds of a toilet. Usually it has its head out before you get your pants down.

King Kong or Commode Choker Shit
This shit is so big that you know it won’t go down the toilet unless you break it into smaller chunks. A coat hanger works well. This kind of shit usually happens at someone else’s house.

Wet Cheeks Shit
This shit hits the water sideways and makes a BIG splash that gets your ass wet.

Wish Shit
You sit there all cramped up and fart a few times, but no shit!

Cement Block or Oh God Shit
You wish you’d gotten a spinal block before you shit.

Snake Shit
This shit is fairly soft and about as big around as your thumb and at least three feet long.

Cork Shit (Also Known as Floater Shit )
Even after the third flush, it’s still floating in there. My god! How do I get rid of it? This shit usually happens at someone else’s house.

Mexican Food Shit (also called Screamers)
You’ll know it’s alright to eat again when your asshole stops burning.

Beer Drunk Shit
This happens the day after the night before. Normally your shit doesn’t smell too bad, but this shit is BAD. Usually there’s somebody standing outside to use the bathroom. This kind of shit also usually happens at someone else’s house.

The Frightened Turtle
The kind of shit that just pokes its head out then quickly goes back in.

The Bungee Shit
The kind of shit that just hangs off your ass before it falls into the water.

The Ring of Fire Shit
The kind of shit where you eat really spicy food and your asshole feels like the inside of a cigarette lighter.

The Crippler
The kind of shit where you have to sit on the toilet so long your legs go numb from the waist down.

The Big Bobber
The kind of shit that no matter how many times you flush it always floats back to the surface.

The Shitty Shitty Bang Bang
The kind of shit that hits you when you’re trapped in your car in a traffic jam.

The Incredible Hulk Shit
The king of shit that sits in the toilet overnight and mysteriously expands to twice it’s normal size.

The Jack the Ripper Shit
The kind of shit that yanks out the hair of your ass as it pushes its way out.

The Party Pooper
The giant shit you take at a party. And when you flush the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise.

The Toxic Gas Shit
The kind of shit that makes you pass out and fall of the toilet before you finish, and then you wake up in some strange South American town.

Dirty Bowl Shit
The kind of shit that comes out in a million pieces a second, reminiscent of an avalanche – but with rocket propulsion, and splatters all over the toilet bowl.

The Windy City Shit
When you sit down, and fart for so long and hard that you no longer need to take a shit.

Oh Shit! Shit
You shit so much and wipe your ass so furiously you run out of toilet paper and you say OH SHIT!

The Never Ending Shit
It’s the shit that keeps running out of your ass like pea, and just when you start wiping your ass your stomach gargles and splash, more shit runs out. This always happens after eating at Kentucky Fried Chicken.

Ouch That Hurt Shit
The type of shit that leaves you feeling like you just hoped onto a bicycle without a seat. Sensation usually lasts hours.

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Amen to that!!

Note from Lovell: As you don’t know, articles that make it onto Lovell Dies Crapsite are contributed by an arsenal of humans who choose not to think like the lay man.

This one is from Daniela. If you dunno her, no problem, you may rot in hell.

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First and foremost. Do you have a washing machine???
If yes, you can laugh your ass off, coz I do envy you more than hotel heiresses. But if no then pay close attention.While the rest of the 20 something Mumbaikars & Goenkars living in Mumbai are dining, partying and indulging in pre-mating rituals & other stuff on friday nites, I have another agenda.

Monday to Friday, out of nowhere this humongous pile of apparel & linen seems to collect, filling the washing machine to the brim. So something must be done.

I must briefly describe the ‘Semi-Automatic’ washing machine.

1. There is no pipe inlet to let water in
2. It runs only once
3. There is a separate spinner in which excess water run be drained out
4. There is a detachable drain pipe with a hole so the entire floor ends up getting wet
5. It makes a lot of noise after the wash cycle is over like a broken alarm

Washing procedure

Step 1: Put 2 heavy buckets of water into the machine & let the items soak in soap & water for half an hour. It saves electricity.
Step 2: Change the water. That is empty the water & put 2 fresh [heavy] buckets of water.
Step 3: Start the machine. Runs for 15 minutes after which there is this prolonged alarm like noise which even a deaf person could hear.
Step 4: Rinse each & every item in a bucket to remove the soap completely. Towels weigh 5 kgs wen soaked believe me.
Step 5: Put rinsed wet items in to the spinner to remove excess water so it doesn’t drip on the floor like Mojo’s drool. [For the ignorant: Mojo is my pet dog.]
Step 6: Remove material from spinner & climb wobbly stool to hang them to dry. Its not my fault I’m short. Not fallen from stool yet but scraped myself plenty of times.
Step 7: Items take days to dry n then climb wobbly stool again & remove everything & just dump in the cupboard.

Well not so bad u may say……next time you are out on friday nite take a sec to think of me.

At least I’m loosing calories while you are loosing money!!!

Please Note: For those of you who don’t know, me is Lovell and John is John.

John: did it happen today morning

me: yes, but not that smooth
i haven’t been eating leafy veggies
so the flow isn’t that good
will work on it..
how was your dropping session?

John: it was smooth dude
drink lot of water that helps a lot

me: dam! u luck b*****d!!
ok il go get myself a bottle later
but i thought the water comes out from the opposite end..
i meant other end
u know..

John: yes, but it helps in lubrication

me: which end do u drink the water from??

John: thats a secret
cant reveal it now

me: dam.. so u want me to suffer every morning!!
how bad is that!

John: there are few things in life which you don’t get easily

me: and that wud be?

John: THE SECRET

me: il just use a vacuum cleaner and suck it all out if it continues this way!!

John: i prefer not to use machines

me: finger?

John: not mine

me: then?

John: anyone who is ready to finger

me: :D hahahahahahaaaa
maybe i should get a calf to lick suck on my backside
i mean, only suck

John: animal rights ppl may have an issue with it

me: then maybe i should get one of those animal rights guys to finger me

John: that would be perfect

me: by any chance… r u part of the animal rights group?

John: no dude, i am a part of animal lefts

me: dam!! maybe il just try and drop now and sit in it till evening..

John: hahaha
do that

me: and then il go and sit on he who we refuse to name’s lap
and give him a lap dance :D

John: hahahahahha

me: or maybe il give u a lap dance and u can finger me and clean up any clogging..

John: not happening dude
i don’t use my fingers for me or anyone
may be u should give a demo
he who we refuse to name would be happy

me: no way man!! no way!!
that wud be torture for me!!
all the droppings that were on the way out wud rush back inside and hide for dear life!!!

John: hahahaha

Ok, I am in no mood of being modest. Oh wait! I am never modest.. Modesty is not my piece of cake. Not if you are dumber than me.

Lets take the example of my cousins. [Yes, sentiments are supposed to be hurt]. Well if you might have noticed, none of them are smart like me. Well thats the truth, and you can’t run away from the truth. Because, the truth is the truth is the truth. [Period]. Well even if they do think they are smarter than me, let them live in their fantasy land, because they are not smart enough to figure out that they are not.

Thats where I come into the picture and explain to them that I am indeed smarter than them. Well trust me it isn’t easy.

Next, lets pick some college mates. Let me make it clear here that I am referring to the ones I hate. [ You know who you all are ]. Well [ Losers ], duh, I don’t wana rub it in, but I am smarter than you guys and I don’t have to prove it. Lets stick to this much else some people will be offended a way too much. Hey, wait a minute.. I’m supposed to be doing that. Err.. never mind.. Rot in hell you morons!!

The concept is simple. A body builder will show off his muscles. A footballer will show off his football skills. A cook will show off his recipes. Smart people show off their intelligence in their very own way.

Ok, now I’m starting to give myself a complex. I better stop.

THE END!!!

If you need a live concert, then you need Slayer. The Daddies of Thrash Metal.. Oh ya and did i say they are good?? Well they are!!

They ain’t your silly lousy crap band. These guys really perform like as though it’s another day in the office. This audio extract is like one of the best. Listen to Tom Araya get pissed off with the security guys beating up the fans and vice-versa. Well thats so cool right. But keep in mind you can seriously get killed at a Slayer concert.

And the worst part is that Slayer has been banned in India.. Hahahaha… Like wtf??!?! And their album Christ Illusion was banned and the records were burnt in public. That’s even more funny, considering that these crazy people first bought the albums!!! Losers!!

My take on Slayer is that they are the best around. The guys have been around since 1981 and have never lost their original style. Slayer in 2007 is the same Slayer as that of 1981. Not like the other lousy bands around.

Oh ya.. and they do win video of the year awards, they do talk bout the terrorist’s point of view for 9/11, they do talk bout religion and kill it. But thats Slayer and they are not here to please you!