09.09
Intro: An extract from the original Lovell Dies Crapsite. Initially published on 22 Aug 2004.
And my walk took me far. A bit too far. I was lost now. I could sense it. My vision encountered a few stones scattered around. The place was way beyond recognition. The weeds engulfed the entire area. Of all the stones around, only one stood apart. I drew closer to it. It was a tombstone. Now I realized that I was in a forsaken graveyard. A closer look at the tombstone revealed something I did not want to read. It read – “In Ever-loving Memory Of Lovell D’souza”.
I thought to myself, ‘This isn’t true’. It took me a while to realize that this was a dream. I’m in one of my dreams. Dreams that only I experience. The urge to wake up and return to reality had suddenly gripped me. But I could not. I was inside my mind and had absolutely no control over it. But that’s what all dreams are like. You can never control it no matter hard you try.
By now I cleared all the dirt off ‘my’ tombstone. But the details revealed were few. ‘Few’……..but the impact of revelation was hard. The ‘Date of Birth’ was exactly the same of that of mine. But the ‘Date of Death’ conveyed “Dying But Not Yet Dead”. I wasn’t able to figure out the meaning. ‘Dying But Not Yet Dead’…….what does that mean?
It meant I’m dying, but not yet. Yet I know I’m Dying. The dream is my death. Not many of you know when your are going to die, nor you may know how your are going to die. But I know, I can sense and I can see myself dying. My dream is my death. Now, it’s not a dream anymore……….it’s a nightmare………it’s my death.
I kicked my tombstone in disgust. I’m dead, yet I’m also dying. The full moon above me illuminates the entire graveyard. All the weeds turn into lifeless foliage. The leaves of the old banyan tree have been sucked off of all the little life that existed within them, and now join the dead weeds on the cemetery floor. I see death coming. I feel the emptiness on its way towards me. I experience souls being sucked out. Souls of the remaining life that had been existing around me. All that is left around me now are dead plants and trees in this house of death. I’ve failed to realize………I’m also dead.
Or am I not? There’s no one around me. No one who can tell me if I’m alive or dead. Death just swept over the entire graveyard, but did I also die………did I? Am I dead? There’s one way to find out.
I run over to my grave and start digging. My bare hands acting as make shift shovels rip through the soil. The only way to figure out if I’m dead is by seeing myself dead. I continue digging. My bleeding fingers scooping out chunks of earth. Suddenly I feel something. What I feel is now what I see, that is a finger. I dig deeper. I dig harder. I dig till I see an entire arm. I recognize this hand. It’s my hand………..
Oh God !!! I am dead after all. But no! Why would the tombstone read, ‘Dying-But-Not-Yet-Dead’? I feel my buried hand, trying to feel what it is to be dead. But I’m not. I’m not dead. I felt my hand give a weak yank. I press my hand and I feel the presence of life. Life that still exists within me, but a life that is frail. I’m not dead.
My mind races on and on, not knowing what to do. I tug my arm hoping that the little life that still remains could come back. But I get sucked back into my body. I’m not dead. I am alive again. I’m dying……..because there’s no one to pull me back out. But I’m not yet dead.
This is what it takes to be: “Lovell-Dying-But-Not-Yet-Dead-D’souza”.
For the selected few who might have not understood this extract: The “I” in the extract is ‘the Soul of Lovell’ which tries to bring the ‘body’ back to life. The ‘soul’ gets sucked back into the ‘body’ but can’t get out of the grave coz everything around him is dead.