2009
12.12

Due to the graphic nature of this post, viewer discretion is advised. This post involves two dead cats, two dead mice and a paranoid tamil machaan named Vignesh Anand.

My phone buzzes.

Vignesh: Dude, there’s a cat in our balcony and I think it’s dying. Where are you?
Me (in my head): F*ck you man. Kill it. Make the weight on Mother Earth less by a few kilos.
Me (in reality): I’m at Club 8 man.

Club 8
The place everyone loves to hate. Nothing fancy about this place, just that play some good metal numbers and it’s shady to some extent. The pros: They play stuff like RATM, Nirvana, etc. Bad @$$ pro: Very, very close to our house. The cons: No chicks. Real bad @$$ con: Some Telugu annas sometimes start to dance. Really freaky, but very amusing. Lets leave the cons aside, coz anyway we just go there to abuse and have drinks with some good people.

Vignesh: You there?
Me: Yeah man.
Vignesh: What should I do? It’s breathing hard man. I think it’s gonna die soon.

Now you’d be wondering, why the hell does Vignesh have to call me to save a dying cat? Well to add some context, I’ve been the proud master of a female cat named Tommy and I was expected to play Superman in this situation.

Me: Give it some water. Or, just give it a slight tap on the back man.
Vignesh: Tried that, nothings happening. Actually, I was moving the bike back, but it was wasn’t budging, and then I realized the cat was behind the tire. I think I must’ve hurt it.

(Aha!!! Murderer!!!!!!!!)

Me: No man, don’t worry, the cat would’ve ran away the moment you touched the bike.
Vignesh: But what to do? It’s gonna die any moment! There are some cashew nuts in the house. Should I give it cashew nuts?
Me: I don’t think it’s gonna eat cashew nuts, but yeah you can give it some.
Vignesh: I’ll do that. But I really think it’s gonna die. What should I do.
Me: Come to Club 8, lets drink. The cat will probably go after a while.
Vignesh: Ok, I’m on my way.

Three minutes later he is at Club 8 and the drinks are on. Cheers!
From Club 8 we landed up at a colleagues place, indulged in some anti-social activities and once we were done we decided to head home around 2 am.

Open the main gate and, f*ck! Dead cat. Sh*t, f*ck this cat, couldn’t it have utilized the other 8 lives that it had or gone somewhere else and died? Bl**dy dead cat. Son of a b*tch cat.

So I go in an turn on the balcony light, and voila! Two dead mice on either side of the dead feline.

The badly screwed up crime scene
The dead cat was in the middle of the of the balcony. Near it’s mouth lay some cashew nuts. Yeah, cats don’t like ‘em nuts imported from Goa I guess. It’s neck had some puncture marks, but there was this liquid that had flown out of it’s mouth. But hard to say weather it had choked or it was poisoned. On it’s right, just at the foot of the stairs that lead to the terrace, was a dead mouse.

Dead mouse #1 looked like it had been choked and had it’s neck broken. It’s body was intact and in one piece, but yet it looked disgusting.

Dead mouse #2 was on the other side of the cat. This was one badly mutilated body. All that was left of it was its head, the backbone and the rear end of it’s body torn in a manner such that it was inside-out with the legs and tail facing the back of the skull. Very disgusting, hard to explain.

Vignesh: How do we dispose this stuff?
Me: Hmm.. dunno man. I think I’m high, lets do it tonight itself, else tomorrow morning when I wake up I won’t be able to do nothing.
Vignesh: Maybe we should toss a coin and the loser cleans the mess.
Me: Yeah amazing plan! Nobel award winning material you are. F*ck your plan, I’m going and getting a stick or something and we shall fling it out.

The front side of House #48, Hanuman Nagar Colony, faces an open deserted area, dedicated to disposal of waste by all the people of the colony. It also serves as a dumping spot for carcasses, and tonight we were gonna put it to some good use!

I walk around bout can’t find a stick. Just then my eyes fall upon a… oh wait, the manner in which we disposed the bodies would be considered ‘inhumane’ by a lot of people. Keeping that in mind I shall not document it. Lets just say that the 3 carcasses made it’s way into the deserted area with respect and some skills that would make Tiger Wood smile with appreciation.

Me: Alright, cool work man, high five!
Vignesh: Yeah, thank God. Hope I don’t get any nightmare with cats tonight.
Me: Screw the cats man.
Vignesh: Why do you abuse so much?
Me: Screw you too.
Vignesh: Goodnight machaan.
Me: Yeah.

And with that, the Tamil boy and the Goan boy go to their respective room and sleep.

What had happened that led to the death of the cat and mice? Was it Vignesh who ran over the cat with the bike? Was Vignesh the murderer? Why was it mentioned that there were two dead cats, but only one accounted for? How did this all happen? Will the readers get to see photos of the crime scene? Is Shiney Ahuja really ‘Bhai’-sexual?

For these answers, stay tuned for the next blog post! :D

Update: The Murder Mystery Solved is now up.

21 comments so far

Add Your Comment
  1. that was a very entertaining blog, Lovey!! Can’t wait for the next disgusting one with pics!! U have amazing writing skills!! Yeah, I know what is going to come next…we losers are all reading your crap!! But seriously your crap is amazingly good shit!!

    • Thank you. It’s fans like you who inspire me and make my day keeping awake till 4 in the morning writing stuff that I know you guys will read anyway.

      Yes, I am high on arrogance no doubt. But someone’s gotta document the crap around, and I shall do good to that department.

  2. again a very rested story man.

    will there be a sequel? will the murderer meet his well deserved destiny? will there be more bodies found, dogs maybe, or goats? nothing will surprise me now. anyway, eagerly waiting to read more shit flowing from between club 8 and hanuman nagar 48, aka ‘axis of evil’ ;)

    • Oh what happened between Club 8 and Hanuman Nagar is classified.

  3. LOL!!! if i was just a reader, I would’ve been darned currious…. :P nice post….
    reminds me of Bharath’s concept: great things happen to people who can tell ‘em :D

    • Thank you. That’s a real boost to my arrogance.

  4. CASHEW NUTS!! lol..
    please spare us the photos.. maybe you can just do some sketches :|

  5. Riveting stuff!

  6. Why didn’t the bum call me? Murderer! His last blog post is about death and now he’s killed a cat! Machaa needs to be careful!

  7. Awesome dude…
    hope u can shoot as well as u can type!!!!
    :p
    lol
    jst kiddin
    gr8 wrk!!!
    cant wait for the nxt blog

  8. Cashewnuts hahaha

    • Yeah. A total ROTFLMFAO moment there :)

  9. so, when does the next episode come out?

    I should start a thread somewhere for discussions. Or maybe just here.

    Rats were poisoned, cat ate, threw up the rats, and died.

    • Well.. you will never know.
      The next post will be up the coming weekend.

  10. Gosh you should get down to writing a book… will give Dan Brown a run for his money…

    • Dan Brown stands no chance! :P

  11. Dude, Are you telling me Vig fucking ran over a cat with MY BIKE???

    • Hahaha…. Well actually I’m not really sure whose bike it was. Maybe your, maybe Vignesh’s. We shall find out soon.

  12. HAHAHHA : Son of a b*tch cat. That’s so funny!

  13. hahahahha….wat an idiot he is…jackass wants to give cashew nuts to a dying cat!!

    • Now now, poor fellow… He was just trying to help.