2010
07.14

Oh Paulo Coelho, why? Why did you do this to me?!

I don’t normally do book review or things of that sort, but The Alchemist was one of those best sellers that I had heard of and I just had to read. I managed to get my hands on a nice pirated copy of it and thought to myself, ‘Now I shall read this shit and I can converse with the masses on what a great book it is.’ Or so I thought!

Now, if you are a Paulo Coelho fan, or if you are Paulo Coelho himself, you may be offended with what you are going to read next. So let me warn you, like I always do, this post may really hurt your feelings. Let me also warn you that I’m gonna save all you aspiring readers from reading the book by telling you what happens in a few paragraphs. So you may thank me at the end.

In my hand was the great book. I start reading it. Some dude staring into a lake of some sort and all that jazz. Out of this world kinda stuff. Paulo, you are bending my mind. You are awesome! The reviews said it is a book that would change my life. ‘Change my life’ it did. I almost gave up reading.

The story is about this young shepherd who takes his sheep around Spain I guess, and keeps dreaming non stop. He sees Egypt in his dream and some treasure is to be found and all that jazz. Amazing setup. Young boy, seeks glory, has sheep, ready to travel. Brilliant! Lets name him Mr. Dumb Ass. Oh wait, he is Spanish, we shall baptize him Senior Culo Tonto.

So Culo Tonto, stud man sexy Spaniard that he is, decides to go to some fancy place to sheer his sheep in front of some rich mofo and say, “Ola Senorita” to the mofo’s chica. Culo supposedly is in love with this chica. But no! He meets some smart ass old man on the way who I bet got a lot of chicas in his glory days (coz he is some kinda king), who convinces Culo to give him his sheep and says, “Go chase your dream tiger, grrrr.” And Culo was on his way. Les Pyramids, here I come. What happened to the  chica no one knows. I bet the smart ass old king kong musta shown her some shamalama ding dong and lets not go any further.

Oh yes, king kong also gave Culo a couple of his shiny nuts. He pulled em off his chest plate. Some kinda shut. I guess its some Spanish tradition or something. I don’t really know why so much fuss was made over this scene considering that those nuts were not even used anywhere in the book. Okay, they did fall a couple of times, so what?

Culo is now on his way to the great Pyramids. Ambitious dumb **** that he is, he gets robbed and decides to stay at some lousy town and work till he can make money to buy sheep. Lots goes on here. Our Culo Tonto becomes Gran Culo Tonto and somehow he and this shopkeeper make some monies and Culo is back on track.

Culo then thinks, screw these sheep. I’m going to Les Pyramids! He now has to cross the desert. Which is a long boring journey with other men. Like when did the Spanish men start hanging out with men? Somewhere here I think I thought of committing suicide, but no! I had to read the book! It was going to change my life. I bet the life changing scene would be at the end. So read I did.

Somewhere and somehow all these men land up at an oasis. And voila what do they find? Chica #2 (and dates and water too). Chica #2 is equally dumb as Culo. We shall get back to her in a moment. Now everyone is chilling at the oasis, you know, smoking up their weed, abusing in Arabic, having a good time while doing their own shit. Until Culo decides to take a walk and sees two hawks flying in the sky. One hawk kills the other and Culo goes psycho. He tells the dude who runs the show at the oasis that they are gonna be attacked. Like who gives a shit in the first place?!

Chica #2. She comes to know that Culo is going see Les Pyramids and gets all senti. But says that she is a ‘woman of the desert’ and she will wait for him. Like yeah right. She gets all upset and watches him leave.

On the way to Les Pyramids, Culo (and his friend, some Alchemist guy) get robbed by some bad men. Who make Culo talk to the wind and the sun. Real dumb scene this was. Like I pushed my imagination to the limit but still could not figure out what problem the sun had with the wind. But the two were like having this face off in the middle of the desert (like its not already hot enough) and then Culo is the stud man again.

Back to seeing Les Pyramids!

So stud man Culo the Spaniard is back with his Alchemist friend and the two are en route. But Alchemist dude suddenly decides to pull back and like as though it was some kinda movie scene, he lets Culo go on alone from now on. So our man is now almost near Les Pyramids, he sees them and then starts digging a hole. And… and… and.. tada!!! He gets mugged. And for the third time Culo the dumb ass gets robbed. Oh, and if I forgot to mention, he did not find any treasure.

He comes back to Spain, to the spot where he had the dream and finds some stash there. Amen. Life changing book!! My culata!

Oh and Culo is an Alchemist to.

Somebody stab me for Christ’s sake!!

8 comments so far

Add Your Comment
  1. Since you totally let me down with the conclusion (good story though!) I shall happily do the honors. Fellow readers, we might have our day cut short morrow.

  2. BORING

  3. This book is the shits! I hate this coelho dude. he & chetan bhagat need to be revoked of their writing licenses

  4. I laughed :-)

    Well written review or whatever.

    So true

  5. Oh, man, you’re really good writer though!

    Actually I laughed too reading all your stuff. Don’t take it so close (-: In every single thing we able to find smth useful for ourselves, even in things that we dislike.

    Best regards, Vitaliy

    everything happens for a reason.

  6. Amazing Anna!! Its no wonder that i dint get past page 2 :)

    and i have a better idea….lets go stab the Culo Tonto.. :P

  7. Amen!

    Awful book, no life changing involved – they lied! :O

  8. its nice to see someone else who didn’t enjoy paolo coelho. i found one of his books in my library at home back when i loved reading and had the time for it. the alchemist hadn’t become famous back then and i’d never heard of the dude. having read everything else in the library i decided to give it a shot. 2 pages was all i could manage so kudos to u in finishing this book :)