2010
08.29

Before I dig into this topic I want to throw in some disclaimers. I am Roman Catholic (RC) by birth. The content of this post are my personal views and is no means meant to offend any religious community.

Religion: A set of beliefs concerning the cause, nature, and purpose of the universe, especially when considered as the creation of a supernatural agency or agencies, usually involving devotional and ritual observances, and often containing a moral code governing the conduct of human affairs.

Its 5:45 p.m. I’ve had a bath, worn some decent clothes, looked out of the window and thought to myself, “Wow, what a pleasant day!” I’ve got just enough time for the 10 minute walk to Church. But then “Satan” influences me and I decide not to go, but rather write about religion and the jazz it brings with it.

25 years back on valentines day, when chicks were getting rings, and guys were getting laid, the little Lovell D’souza was baptized. He now belonged to the strongest and most powerful religious community in the world; the Roman Catholics. The same people who came to Goa around 500 years back, destroyed temples and gave the locals an option to build their churches else die had now acquired another soul. Lovell D’souza was now cleansed off original sin.

As a RC you enjoy the pleasure of seeing some nice fancy churches, hot chicks (that’s if you are in Goa), eat fancy food and a lot more. But you also land up at these strange charismatic meetings where people will start talking in tongues, acting all weird and freaking the shit out of you. As a kid, I had the great privilege of attending a lot of these meetings. There would be some dude or a priest up front screaming into the mic and going “Alleluia, Alleluia!!” and I’d be like, “What the shit!” Most of the time I’d be scared, as people were fainting, talking gibberish, getting possessed by the Holy Spirit and what not. It was like a dignified metal concert. Thank God that phase stopped. Amen!

My take on religion

I think that religion is the biggest brainwashing shit out there! I’ve said this many times and I shall say it again. Religion must have come up when some people, who had a lot of problems in life just did not know how to solve them and then decided, “Oh lets pray to the Superior Forces and all our problems will be solved”. And hence religion came into existence. All this over a period of hundred of years thereby brought upon the jazzing up of religion and people started to let their imagination run wild. Now, we all know about all the religions out there and all the nonsense rituals they have, so I shall not elaborate.

The Christians

These are people you would love to avoid. They go to church everyday, think that the Lord loves them and blah blah, but will come home and not even bother to be good to others. And, on top of this, they will judge you for not going to church and because you are not pro-religious like them. Other facts about these people are that they will come to you and convince you that the world is coming to an end and you have to join their religion to be saved and all kinda bullshit like that. Like, who the fuck cares if the world is coming to an end. You can casually let them know that you are not interested, but they will keep nagging you over a period of time till you decide to invest in that shotgun you always wanted to have. A lot of paragraphs can be dedicated to these moron, but for now each community gets just one. Yeah, don’t forget the conversions.

The Hindus

I’ve been told that Hinduism is not a religion, but a way of life. Well for now lets consider it is a religion as a lot of people believe so and I shall be with the masses for once. The Hindus have like a billion gods. They have a lot of pornographic temple carvings too. If you don’t believe me, do go to Hampi (as erotic as the name may sound, its a really nice place) and check out the temples. They are also very very very noisy. Every festival of their will be dedicated to destroying a few amps and scores of loud speakers. These people are not dangerous, but most of the time they are just irritating in the manner they communicate to their gods.

The Muslims

Now a lot of you dumb fucks will start thinking Taliban, 9/11 and 5 bearded guys running towards you with bombs stuck on their chests. Please get this picture out of your head right now. The Muslims are not violent people like the way the media projects them. Yes I do agree there are radicals (like how we RCs have the Vatican :P) but please don’t confuse the radicals with the other normal Muslims. So, the Muslims, they think that their religion is the most superior to all religions. Makes me scratch my head coz I think all religions are crap. They have this agenda that it is their responsibility to save all the kafirs and take them to heaven. According to them Jesus was not the son of God, but a servant of Allah. This statement made some of my Christan friends get upset. The Muslims pray a lot and follow the Quran like nothing else in the world is the truth.  But they make amazing Biryani and Haleem (which tastes superb when you are drunk).

More rants

So I was home a few weeks back and mentioned to my mother that I’ve been reading the Quran. She was like, “What the shit!” Well I’ve been reading it just to know what’s up with my Muslim friends, to get to know their side of the story and also coz the Bhagwat Gita is too freaking boring.

So my mom was like, “Wheres your Scapular?”.
I was like, “Er, it broke, but its there somewhere.”
“I have a new one for you.”

Now I’m back to wearing my scapular. Not just coz I wanna show off that I’m RC, but also because I think its like really sexy to wear a scapular. So now you see me wearing the scapular around my neck and notice people going, “What the fuck is that black shit?!”

The “Real” Religion

Metal!!! \m/

Long time ago, lets say around 8-9 years back, when I was in the prime of my puberty and wondering why my testicles were getting so hairy, a new religion starting to engulf my soul. It included a lot of hair (stop thinking of my testicles), a lot of beard, tattoos and a lot of screaming and growling. No I’m referring to bestiality, I’m referring to Metal. The Music. The Real Savior!

Of course over a period of time it went from the the nice commercial stuff that even the wannabes listen to, to stuff like Meshuggah that 90% of you dumb fucks don’t understand.

Metal is an acquired religion. You either get it or you don’t. I also know that almost all of you will not watch the complete video that has been posted above, but that’s alright, I’m not forcing my religion upon you.

If you land up watching the video, you will wonder why and how can I listen and watch this shit. Let me stress upon a tiny fact, that childhood trauma is the worst, and it will always come back to haunt you. Remember, I mentioned before that the charismatic meetings where like a metal concert? As a kid I heard a priest/preacher screaming into a mic. Now I hear the band’s singer doing so. As a kid I heard the hymns that I never understood. Now I hear complicated guitar riffs and time signatures that goes over my head. As a kid the preacher would suddenly go crazy. Now the singer suddenly goes crazy. As a kid I saw people faint, fall and act weird. Now I see people in moshpits, they fall, they crowd surf, they act weird. As a kid I would look around and think, “What the fuck!” Now I look around and think, “Yeah, what the fuck!”

And you think I’m not religious?

PS: Comments that directly offend any religious community will be deleted at my discretion.

16 comments so far

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  1. Loved it!

  2. Good one man…I always wondered why being an RC, you are growing a beard like a Muslim…Now, i know the answer…Metal :)

    • Maru,

      You are such a dumb fuck to assume that. Peace!

  3. Well my friend,I totally agree about your thoughts on religion especially Christians.
    Let me tell you something until you experienced GOD in your life you will never get to know HIM.Secondly Christianity is a religion by name but then a person who has an intimate relationship with Jesus is different from a normal Christian be it RC or Protestant.
    Once this is understood all your statements above will not hold true.
    Peace out!

    • My dear friend Danny,

      I’m glad to know and respect the fact that you are a great fan of Jesus. But let me put it in this way. I’m a big fan of metal. I listen to Meshuggah, Gojira and stuff that you non-metal fans would classify as noise. Of course metal is an acquired taste and you will not understand. And I do not expect you to understand or follow the metal scene as religiously as I do.

      Having said all that. The so called ‘Religious Bodies’ should not expect people to indulge in the practice of religion and those who choose not to be religious should be left alone and should not be considered as insignificant beings. It is left up to each one of use to decide what fancy cult they want to follow. In my case its metal.

      Now, since most people land up abusing my choice, I find it fair enough to abuse other’s choices too.

      Amen.

  4. My Friend Lovell,
    You are so getting confused between Religion and Metal Music.

    If you are smart then you would understand that GOD gave a choice to Adam and Eve to stay in the garden of Eden or be banished from it.
    You know the story,hence your statement holds no ground in saying of what religious bodies expects us to be.The choice is yours (like you said).Take it or leave it. Let me make this real clear “GOD never forced anyone to follow HIM”
    And my friend I’m not religious like you are to your metal music.If that keeps you happy so be it.You can follow it and worship metal music but end of day just think about it what you are gonna get from it.GOD loves us all.Hence you are not considered insignificant beings.Don’t bother about what people say of it.
    I have a relationship with Jesus and I am happy with that because HE has saved me.

    • Danny,

      Adam And Eve had two sons, Cain and Able, Cain Killed Able.

      This implies that Cain was either..

      a) Screwing his mother Eve. (Incest)
      OR
      b) Adam and Eve had daughter(s) And Cain was screwing them. (Incest)

      Checkmate!!

      Moral of the story : The bible is a real kick ass fairy tale.

    • Danny, My friend,

      It may not be mentioned in the Bible, Quran or the Gita, but Kurt Cobain is the last and final prophet who came and saved us all with Grunge!

  5. OMG!! i was expecting Danny to comment on this….but not this entire exchange…all i say is…To each his own :)

    Anna…u r awesome with what you write :D

    • Thank you, thank you! ;)

  6. GEEEJUS! if mother sees this!

  7. Wearing the scapular to please your mom in her absence…getting into discussions about religion with every second person…will someone call the bluff already!

  8. nice analogy dude…. now that you juxtapose metal and sermon…. it just hit me… while the preacher goes hallelujah….. the lead singer goes hell-yeah!…. peace!… \m/

    • Damn!… now thats a first….. after 23 years i mis-spell my name!…..

      • how did you conclude bout cain??

  9. The fact that the Bible doesn’t elaborate on other kids that Adam and Eve had should not be mistaken to mean that they didn’t. The Bible used the story of Cain and Abel to teach a particular moral. Unfortunately people, being shallow minded, think that God is also shallow minded. The Bibe is the true word of God. It has never lied, nor will it ever lie. Those who think it contradicts have very little knowledge about God. They need to seek to know the truth.