2010
12.05

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to one of the most educational posts on this crapsite. Today we shall discuss smart phones and the evils associated with it. Lets jump all the mumbo jumbo and go straight to the point.

Below are examples are smart phones.

Smart Phones

Sleek, attractive, sexy, smooth, seductive, orgasmic, beautiful, any term that would make you fell good, would be a great term to associate with these phones. I mean, stop whatever you are doing, take a deep breath, look at these phones and drool over them. Ah, nice! Yes, say their names.

Now, lets see something that is NOT a smart phone.

Dumb Phone

This my friends, is a example of a weapon. Bulky, heavy, fat, ugly. I’ve run out of adjectives to describe these outcasts. But mind you, these phones once ruled the earth. A lot of you people, especially those of you born in the 90’s would be like, “Nokia 3310, whats that?” This is it my friends. This is it! This is what we term as a Dumb Phone.

You may be wondering, what about the BlackBerry?

BlackBerry. What can I say about it. They do this amazing job in bridging the gap between the Smart Phones and the Dumb Phones. Lets have a look at one of the more sexier phones that RIM has managed to produce.

Smart Dumb Phone

Yes my friends. Meet the BlackBerry Bold. Ugly as freshly produced poop. Huge enough to make me utilize both my hands to hold it, while I punch the tiny keys with the tip of my nose. A screen small enough to make the Nokia 3310’s screen look amazingly huge. Voila! But, but, but, before you start judging this phone based on my sarcasm and ridicule, I would like to stress on the statement I made before. BlackBerry has bridged the gap between the Smarts and the Dumbs. It really caters to the crowd searching for something that has the features of bulky, ulgy, huge from the Dumbs with a decent screen and some fancy features from the Smarts. So here we have it. The greatest of them all. The BlackBerry!

This is one phone that has made people want it more than they actually require it. Hats off yo you BlackBerry. I don’t get their BlackBerry Boys ad. I mean, how did they manage to find so many good looking eunuch to dance on that filthy gay ass yellow backdrop!?! But thats where you gotta give it up to BB. They target the dumb fucks in society and they pierced the message straight through their puny brains. So pat on the back BB. Awesome job!

The folks who use BBs can be classified into two categories. The wanna be users and the forced to use users. Lets talk about the forced to use folks first. These are those balding men, with a few strands of grey hair here and there. These folks move around in suits and will normally have another phone, like a Nokia or something, which they use to make phone calls, especially to family. The BB is used only to check email and take and make calls to clients, etc. These folks get paid shit loads, they may break their BB and their company will replace it. They don’t pay the crazy bill that the phone generates. And once in a while you will see them use the BB as a paper weight. These guys will never check their SMS and they never install any apps. They just use it out of the box. And this is how the BB was intended to be used. Hence the ugly design and massive weight.

Then RIM (the makers of BB) realized they had a problem. There weren’t enough of balding men in suits to sell phones to. And the recession thing also came along. Lots of balding men in suits lost their jobs. RIM was gonna get fucked. But then, the Angel of the Death appeared and said, “Make some more uglier phones, make them of plastic, then make what would be known as a gay ass mofo’ing ad with a ton of eunuchs, and sell ye phone to the millions of dumbfucks”. And so it was done. As the scripture of the Anti-Christ foretold, the BBs were now going to target the dumbfucks.

That brings us to the second type of BB users. The wanna be users. These are folks mostly found in their late 20’s. They suddenly realize they need to own a BB. Not that they have any clients to tend to, but more because it is part of that social status thing. The problem with society these days is the more you can show off, the more cool it makes you. It screws you from the inside, but on the outside, you are stud material. These wanna be folks, land up buying one of those plastic versions of the BB. Why? All because if they were to buy what the men in suits had, then they would have to sell off both their kidneys.

The next thing they do is not read the manual. Now, the men in suites don’t require to read they manual. They just need to either make, answer or cut calls. RIM, with their rocket science research has very nicely catered to this issue by providing a keypad for making calls, a nice green button for answering calls, and another nice red button for ignoring calls. Composing, reading and replying to emails have been also take care of. Hence the men in suits are set. They don’t give a shit about the 1.3mp lousy camera or the lousy background wallpaper that they will never change. Neither do they care if the the phone can handle audio or video. Which brings us back to the wanna be folks.

These guys will not read the manual. But they will unbox the shit and start installing all the possible apps they can. They then will find out that BB has this BB pin thing going on. Thanks to the not reading of the manual, these folks, dumbfucks that they are, start this massive search on how they can locate their BB pin. After hours of searching and eating the minds of other BB user, they manage to find it and then post it all over the internet. On  finding how exciting this whole process was they then move onto the next ignorant step. That being, using the BB network. What people don’t realize is that they can use GPRS or free WiFi and freaking do the same shit they do on the BB network. But no! I have a BB pin, I’m gonna use the freaking BB network. So they then pay a shit load for this service. They think being ‘connected’ 24×7 is the new shit. But what they don’t realize is the massive bill they will encounter at the end of the month. The balding men in suits don’t give a shit about the bills as their companies pay for that. But the poor wanna bes shed a tear and pay shit loads at the end of the month.

May God bless these people. May the paper weights in their pockets one day teach them a lesson in dumbfucknes and how to handle it.

Having said all this, let me spend some time talking about the real smart phones. I would like to talk about the Iphone 4, but the latest update I got was that Steve Jobs and his team of brainwashing morons put the antenna outside the phone and you cant make phone calls. So we are left with something that I would term as Ipad Nano. And, since that is technically not a phone, I cant really give any opinion.

So that brings us to the last and the most intelligent of all phones. The Android phones! All you folks who suddenly went, “Er, Android? What’s that?”, you guys can stop reading now. You either belong to the dumb phone or BB user groups. So before your brain could be taxed any further, I’d suggest you stop reading.

The Android phones are made for the smartest of all folks. These folks can be classified under the geek category. These folks don’t really go out to buy a phone, but hey, that fancy device got a phone built into it, so thats like an epic win! Android is simple. You log into the phone using your Google account. Your calendar, contacts, email, photos, everything gets synced with one touch, and the next thing you know your phone is your new computer.

Then one day you realize your Android phone is missing. I bet it must have been robbed buy a BB user. If you were a BB user, you would sulk, cry, drink, cry, sulk and go, “Oh no, my entire life was on that phone, booohoooohooo”. But no! You are an Android user. You go buy a new Android phone and you press sync. Your entire life is back on your phone.

Now lets see some real life scenarios where the Android makes the world a better place.

Scenario #1:
You are composing an email on your laptop, typing some stuff to you girlfriend telling her that she’s the best girl ever and all the bull. And then, suddenly realize you need to take a shit. You just need another 5 minutes to finish off the mail and send it before she goes to sleep, but at the same time nature is pushing hard against your already clinched butt cheeks. Enter the Android phone. You take your phone in your hand, put down the toilet seat, blast off to glory while you finish your mail and click send!

Android Love

Android, keeping couples together since 2008.

Scenario #2

You are pissed drunk. You step out of the bar and cant recollect whether your girlfriend’s home is towards the left or the right. Enter the Android. You turn on the GPS, you fire up Google Maps. You search for the name of your girlfriend’s apartment. If you cant type, there is voice recognition. You choose ‘show walking directions’ and then follow the blue line. The GPS updates your position real time, and at the finish you are at your girlfriends home.

Android Love

Android, keeping couples together since Google Maps upgraded.

Scenario #3
You are at the book store and browsing through the ‘Best Sellers’ section trying to pick a book for your girlfriend. You suddenly realize that there are some books that don’t deserve to be in this section. Enter the Android. You start the ‘Google Goggles’ application. You either click a photo of the book or the bar code and then read the reviews online. Turns out some of the books listed in that section would have influenced your girlfriend to break up with you. You do not buy any of those books. Your relationship is saved.

Android Love

Android, keeping couples together with the watchful eye of Google Goggles.

And these are just three of the thousands of ways that Android phones make the world a smarter and nicer place. Love to open source.

Android Love

18 comments so far

Add Your Comment
  1. this is why i never ever thought of owning a BB. BB sucks!
    awesome post BTW

    • Thank you. The love is mutual.

  2. I still think 3310’s are da bomb.. you did kill nikhil dev’s dog with one..

  3. I’m guessing our talk this morning inspired you to write this…. ! ;)

  4. WTF, where did my name come here. But 3310 are the best. Ek button , theen kaam. And macha can type faster on it than on a computer.
    But, Google should use this post as a promotion man. All that you need to use about Android

  5. Must admit… I enjoyed the literary BB thrashing even though Im a classified BB user… Hats off Meshuga lover

  6. hahaha dumbfucks using it!!

  7. Love this post!

  8. frikkintastic …everything I felt and could not put across as succinctly !! Don’t mind if I quote you in paragraphs :D

  9. I’m a android user myself.. Agreed totally on the hype of BB’s for the teens.. Another way Android appeals to geeks is that its open source and there are good number of free apps to get.

  10. very well put… it is indeed true how people nowadays are getting hitched with “BB fEVER” well they think its the best way to keep in touch… and yea 3310 did rule the world when it came out…

  11. m an android user….wen i came to knw abt d features of bb’s…evn i thought d same….evn i cn check mails n ol frm my fne…n do much more as well….android market rocks…!! :P :)

  12. Faggot. Hope your ass doesn’t get sued for this post.

  13. There will be a day in the coming year when the majority of the mobile users realize the potential of Android and john the band wagon…

    Any ways, this is gem of an article and the best among the ones that I’ve read over the past few years…

    Keep your best ones coming Lovell

  14. 3310 is the baap! Dont teach daddy how to f***

  15. HAHHAHAHHAHA.. I love the taking dump scenario. Nice post!

  16. Super post! (I’m totally anti-BB.) Loved your post! :)

  17. Hahaah, good one…