2010
12.07

Disclaimer: Graphic text. Reader discretion is advised. If you like babies, then stop reading now. No seriously, stop! Now!


I hereby announce my new campaign titled, Death to the Boy Child.

Baby Boy

Now, now, don’t fall for those innocent looks. So we have all heard about that phase of female infanticide in India. Those of you who haven’t, you gotta click on that link you just saw. Back in the day, these crazy people here in India suddenly realized that cute little baby girls were of no use. They found them to be a burden. They were a bane to the families they were born into. And so, like it wasn’t cruel or anything, those mother fuckers started to kill the baby girls. I shall not indulge into the means of how this was brought about as I may lose readers.

What those dumb fuck did not realize was that our generation would have to suffer. Have you ever stepped onto the street and wondered, “Fuck, the place is full of ugly dark men”. I mean, where are the fucking girls?! Where is the estrogen? Show me some menopause. But no! You are walking around and its just freaking disgusting males all over the place! And then suddenly one woman will appear from nowhere and, not that she is hot or anything (considering that this country’s population comprises of 90% ugly people, women included), all the ugly men will start to stare at her. For fucks sake, she is not even hot! Fuck that shit! Not to mention the scratching of the crotch ritual that most Indian men follow.

It must have been all fancy back then, during the 80’s to kill the girl child. All that the freaking fools could think was, “Oh fuck, its a girl again, we are running out of dowry”. Fuck this country. Dowry is some other bullshit that is still in vogue here. I’ll dedicate a post for that some other time. But yes, as I was saying, the poor little girls were killed and all we are left with today is so much cock and no vagina!

Five million girls were eliminated between 1986 and 2001. I read that shit somewhere. Oh fuck, wait, I was born right about then. You older fucker, if you are reading my blog, then I have a message for you. From the bottom of my heart and with all due respect, I just wanna say, “Fuck you, you fucking ruined it for me and my friends”. Who the fuck kills baby girls?!

Baby Girl

Look at her! What has she, and the other millions of her, done to deserve this!! I can understand if your baby was like freaking ugly. There is no place for ugly babies in society. Now, before you can start abusing me for making that statement, let me defend it. Imagine your ugly child at school. He/she is so ugly that all the other kids make fun of him/her all the time. Now, you don’t want that to happen right. In that case, you are free to kill you kid. We have enough of ugly people in this country. We shall start the ‘Kill the Ugly Baby’ campaign some other time.

Fore fathers, you have to be given credit for screwing this country over. They say that Indian men are the greatest perverts. I do agree. You may read this blog post on why Indian men disgust me. But the only people to be blamed are the fore fathers of these Indian men.

Now imagine little innocent Indian boy, growing up with all cock around him. All cool, he runs around play with the other innocent Indian boys chasing balls and butterflies. And then, suddenly with no warning whatsoever, he grows up! And once grown up, he goes away from home and his beloved boy friends to places where there are girls! Suddenly, he sees boobs and he is like, ‘Wow!’. The forces of nature take over. The Indian boy, now an Indian man, scratches his crotch. He stares at these amazing creations filled with estrogen. Indian man does not know what to do. He keeps staring.

Suddenly Indian man is at the beach. He sees feminine skin, and he knows not how to react. Indian man goes says something stupid to her. She tells him to fuck off. Indian man displays rage and abuses her. Newspaper prints that the girl was scantly dressed hence Indian man acted the way he did.

And who is to be blamed?!?!?! Fore fathers, if only, you had let the little Indian boy have little Indian girls around him when he was small, he would have known where the boobs came from and would not have to explore the woman like she was something that fell off a space ship. Had you killed the baby boy instead, we could have had Indian girls abusing the men, and trust me we are totally fine with that. But no!!! You killed the baby girls!!

Back to what we started off with. How can you kill a baby girl! Yes, people from the older generations, I am really disappointed with you. And yes, fuck you!

Upset Baby Girl

What you guys have done cannot be forgiven! Lets have two minutes of silence, and while we are at that, lets try and picture how much eye candy there would be on the road had our forefathers killed the boy child instead. Now, before you can lash out and say, “Hahha, Lovell, you fucking dumb fuck of all dumb fucks, you were born in the 80’s, you would be dead too”, I’d like to stress on the fact that I was born on a great day somewhere in 1985 and records state that the female infanticide started some time in 1986, so I’m fucking safe!

Which bring me to my campaign. Death to the Boy Child.

  • Aren’t you fed up of all the ugly men around?
  • Aren’t you done watching ugly men pee anywhere and anytime?
  • Aren’t you done with ugly men staring at your assets, even though you are not even hot?
  • Aren’t you fed up of all the groping and letching?
  • Aren’t you fed up of all the Indian men?!

If ‘yes’ was the answer to any of the above questions, then I have to make one thing clear. We cannot, and by no means kill these grown up ugly men. Society is against us, because society is full of these Indian men. Hence, I’d like you to join me in starting the ‘Death to the Boy Child’ campaign. All that we have to do is request all the parents to kill their baby boys. Parents who have male kids below the age of 10, can join in too. Lets not do what our fore fathers did. Lets kill the baby boys instead. If China can do it, then India can do it too!

Dead Baby

2010
12.05

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to one of the most educational posts on this crapsite. Today we shall discuss smart phones and the evils associated with it. Lets jump all the mumbo jumbo and go straight to the point.

Below are examples are smart phones.

Smart Phones

Sleek, attractive, sexy, smooth, seductive, orgasmic, beautiful, any term that would make you fell good, would be a great term to associate with these phones. I mean, stop whatever you are doing, take a deep breath, look at these phones and drool over them. Ah, nice! Yes, say their names.

Now, lets see something that is NOT a smart phone.

Dumb Phone

This my friends, is a example of a weapon. Bulky, heavy, fat, ugly. I’ve run out of adjectives to describe these outcasts. But mind you, these phones once ruled the earth. A lot of you people, especially those of you born in the 90’s would be like, “Nokia 3310, whats that?” This is it my friends. This is it! This is what we term as a Dumb Phone.

You may be wondering, what about the BlackBerry?

BlackBerry. What can I say about it. They do this amazing job in bridging the gap between the Smart Phones and the Dumb Phones. Lets have a look at one of the more sexier phones that RIM has managed to produce.

Smart Dumb Phone

Yes my friends. Meet the BlackBerry Bold. Ugly as freshly produced poop. Huge enough to make me utilize both my hands to hold it, while I punch the tiny keys with the tip of my nose. A screen small enough to make the Nokia 3310’s screen look amazingly huge. Voila! But, but, but, before you start judging this phone based on my sarcasm and ridicule, I would like to stress on the statement I made before. BlackBerry has bridged the gap between the Smarts and the Dumbs. It really caters to the crowd searching for something that has the features of bulky, ulgy, huge from the Dumbs with a decent screen and some fancy features from the Smarts. So here we have it. The greatest of them all. The BlackBerry!

This is one phone that has made people want it more than they actually require it. Hats off yo you BlackBerry. I don’t get their BlackBerry Boys ad. I mean, how did they manage to find so many good looking eunuch to dance on that filthy gay ass yellow backdrop!?! But thats where you gotta give it up to BB. They target the dumb fucks in society and they pierced the message straight through their puny brains. So pat on the back BB. Awesome job!

The folks who use BBs can be classified into two categories. The wanna be users and the forced to use users. Lets talk about the forced to use folks first. These are those balding men, with a few strands of grey hair here and there. These folks move around in suits and will normally have another phone, like a Nokia or something, which they use to make phone calls, especially to family. The BB is used only to check email and take and make calls to clients, etc. These folks get paid shit loads, they may break their BB and their company will replace it. They don’t pay the crazy bill that the phone generates. And once in a while you will see them use the BB as a paper weight. These guys will never check their SMS and they never install any apps. They just use it out of the box. And this is how the BB was intended to be used. Hence the ugly design and massive weight.

Then RIM (the makers of BB) realized they had a problem. There weren’t enough of balding men in suits to sell phones to. And the recession thing also came along. Lots of balding men in suits lost their jobs. RIM was gonna get fucked. But then, the Angel of the Death appeared and said, “Make some more uglier phones, make them of plastic, then make what would be known as a gay ass mofo’ing ad with a ton of eunuchs, and sell ye phone to the millions of dumbfucks”. And so it was done. As the scripture of the Anti-Christ foretold, the BBs were now going to target the dumbfucks.

That brings us to the second type of BB users. The wanna be users. These are folks mostly found in their late 20’s. They suddenly realize they need to own a BB. Not that they have any clients to tend to, but more because it is part of that social status thing. The problem with society these days is the more you can show off, the more cool it makes you. It screws you from the inside, but on the outside, you are stud material. These wanna be folks, land up buying one of those plastic versions of the BB. Why? All because if they were to buy what the men in suits had, then they would have to sell off both their kidneys.

The next thing they do is not read the manual. Now, the men in suites don’t require to read they manual. They just need to either make, answer or cut calls. RIM, with their rocket science research has very nicely catered to this issue by providing a keypad for making calls, a nice green button for answering calls, and another nice red button for ignoring calls. Composing, reading and replying to emails have been also take care of. Hence the men in suits are set. They don’t give a shit about the 1.3mp lousy camera or the lousy background wallpaper that they will never change. Neither do they care if the the phone can handle audio or video. Which brings us back to the wanna be folks.

These guys will not read the manual. But they will unbox the shit and start installing all the possible apps they can. They then will find out that BB has this BB pin thing going on. Thanks to the not reading of the manual, these folks, dumbfucks that they are, start this massive search on how they can locate their BB pin. After hours of searching and eating the minds of other BB user, they manage to find it and then post it all over the internet. On  finding how exciting this whole process was they then move onto the next ignorant step. That being, using the BB network. What people don’t realize is that they can use GPRS or free WiFi and freaking do the same shit they do on the BB network. But no! I have a BB pin, I’m gonna use the freaking BB network. So they then pay a shit load for this service. They think being ‘connected’ 24×7 is the new shit. But what they don’t realize is the massive bill they will encounter at the end of the month. The balding men in suits don’t give a shit about the bills as their companies pay for that. But the poor wanna bes shed a tear and pay shit loads at the end of the month.

May God bless these people. May the paper weights in their pockets one day teach them a lesson in dumbfucknes and how to handle it.

Having said all this, let me spend some time talking about the real smart phones. I would like to talk about the Iphone 4, but the latest update I got was that Steve Jobs and his team of brainwashing morons put the antenna outside the phone and you cant make phone calls. So we are left with something that I would term as Ipad Nano. And, since that is technically not a phone, I cant really give any opinion.

So that brings us to the last and the most intelligent of all phones. The Android phones! All you folks who suddenly went, “Er, Android? What’s that?”, you guys can stop reading now. You either belong to the dumb phone or BB user groups. So before your brain could be taxed any further, I’d suggest you stop reading.

The Android phones are made for the smartest of all folks. These folks can be classified under the geek category. These folks don’t really go out to buy a phone, but hey, that fancy device got a phone built into it, so thats like an epic win! Android is simple. You log into the phone using your Google account. Your calendar, contacts, email, photos, everything gets synced with one touch, and the next thing you know your phone is your new computer.

Then one day you realize your Android phone is missing. I bet it must have been robbed buy a BB user. If you were a BB user, you would sulk, cry, drink, cry, sulk and go, “Oh no, my entire life was on that phone, booohoooohooo”. But no! You are an Android user. You go buy a new Android phone and you press sync. Your entire life is back on your phone.

Now lets see some real life scenarios where the Android makes the world a better place.

Scenario #1:
You are composing an email on your laptop, typing some stuff to you girlfriend telling her that she’s the best girl ever and all the bull. And then, suddenly realize you need to take a shit. You just need another 5 minutes to finish off the mail and send it before she goes to sleep, but at the same time nature is pushing hard against your already clinched butt cheeks. Enter the Android phone. You take your phone in your hand, put down the toilet seat, blast off to glory while you finish your mail and click send!

Android Love

Android, keeping couples together since 2008.

Scenario #2

You are pissed drunk. You step out of the bar and cant recollect whether your girlfriend’s home is towards the left or the right. Enter the Android. You turn on the GPS, you fire up Google Maps. You search for the name of your girlfriend’s apartment. If you cant type, there is voice recognition. You choose ‘show walking directions’ and then follow the blue line. The GPS updates your position real time, and at the finish you are at your girlfriends home.

Android Love

Android, keeping couples together since Google Maps upgraded.

Scenario #3
You are at the book store and browsing through the ‘Best Sellers’ section trying to pick a book for your girlfriend. You suddenly realize that there are some books that don’t deserve to be in this section. Enter the Android. You start the ‘Google Goggles’ application. You either click a photo of the book or the bar code and then read the reviews online. Turns out some of the books listed in that section would have influenced your girlfriend to break up with you. You do not buy any of those books. Your relationship is saved.

Android Love

Android, keeping couples together with the watchful eye of Google Goggles.

And these are just three of the thousands of ways that Android phones make the world a smarter and nicer place. Love to open source.

Android Love

2010
08.29

Before I dig into this topic I want to throw in some disclaimers. I am Roman Catholic (RC) by birth. The content of this post are my personal views and is no means meant to offend any religious community.

Religion: A set of beliefs concerning the cause, nature, and purpose of the universe, especially when considered as the creation of a supernatural agency or agencies, usually involving devotional and ritual observances, and often containing a moral code governing the conduct of human affairs.

Its 5:45 p.m. I’ve had a bath, worn some decent clothes, looked out of the window and thought to myself, “Wow, what a pleasant day!” I’ve got just enough time for the 10 minute walk to Church. But then “Satan” influences me and I decide not to go, but rather write about religion and the jazz it brings with it.

25 years back on valentines day, when chicks were getting rings, and guys were getting laid, the little Lovell D’souza was baptized. He now belonged to the strongest and most powerful religious community in the world; the Roman Catholics. The same people who came to Goa around 500 years back, destroyed temples and gave the locals an option to build their churches else die had now acquired another soul. Lovell D’souza was now cleansed off original sin.

As a RC you enjoy the pleasure of seeing some nice fancy churches, hot chicks (that’s if you are in Goa), eat fancy food and a lot more. But you also land up at these strange charismatic meetings where people will start talking in tongues, acting all weird and freaking the shit out of you. As a kid, I had the great privilege of attending a lot of these meetings. There would be some dude or a priest up front screaming into the mic and going “Alleluia, Alleluia!!” and I’d be like, “What the shit!” Most of the time I’d be scared, as people were fainting, talking gibberish, getting possessed by the Holy Spirit and what not. It was like a dignified metal concert. Thank God that phase stopped. Amen!

My take on religion

I think that religion is the biggest brainwashing shit out there! I’ve said this many times and I shall say it again. Religion must have come up when some people, who had a lot of problems in life just did not know how to solve them and then decided, “Oh lets pray to the Superior Forces and all our problems will be solved”. And hence religion came into existence. All this over a period of hundred of years thereby brought upon the jazzing up of religion and people started to let their imagination run wild. Now, we all know about all the religions out there and all the nonsense rituals they have, so I shall not elaborate.

The Christians

These are people you would love to avoid. They go to church everyday, think that the Lord loves them and blah blah, but will come home and not even bother to be good to others. And, on top of this, they will judge you for not going to church and because you are not pro-religious like them. Other facts about these people are that they will come to you and convince you that the world is coming to an end and you have to join their religion to be saved and all kinda bullshit like that. Like, who the fuck cares if the world is coming to an end. You can casually let them know that you are not interested, but they will keep nagging you over a period of time till you decide to invest in that shotgun you always wanted to have. A lot of paragraphs can be dedicated to these moron, but for now each community gets just one. Yeah, don’t forget the conversions.

The Hindus

I’ve been told that Hinduism is not a religion, but a way of life. Well for now lets consider it is a religion as a lot of people believe so and I shall be with the masses for once. The Hindus have like a billion gods. They have a lot of pornographic temple carvings too. If you don’t believe me, do go to Hampi (as erotic as the name may sound, its a really nice place) and check out the temples. They are also very very very noisy. Every festival of their will be dedicated to destroying a few amps and scores of loud speakers. These people are not dangerous, but most of the time they are just irritating in the manner they communicate to their gods.

The Muslims

Now a lot of you dumb fucks will start thinking Taliban, 9/11 and 5 bearded guys running towards you with bombs stuck on their chests. Please get this picture out of your head right now. The Muslims are not violent people like the way the media projects them. Yes I do agree there are radicals (like how we RCs have the Vatican :P) but please don’t confuse the radicals with the other normal Muslims. So, the Muslims, they think that their religion is the most superior to all religions. Makes me scratch my head coz I think all religions are crap. They have this agenda that it is their responsibility to save all the kafirs and take them to heaven. According to them Jesus was not the son of God, but a servant of Allah. This statement made some of my Christan friends get upset. The Muslims pray a lot and follow the Quran like nothing else in the world is the truth.  But they make amazing Biryani and Haleem (which tastes superb when you are drunk).

More rants

So I was home a few weeks back and mentioned to my mother that I’ve been reading the Quran. She was like, “What the shit!” Well I’ve been reading it just to know what’s up with my Muslim friends, to get to know their side of the story and also coz the Bhagwat Gita is too freaking boring.

So my mom was like, “Wheres your Scapular?”.
I was like, “Er, it broke, but its there somewhere.”
“I have a new one for you.”

Now I’m back to wearing my scapular. Not just coz I wanna show off that I’m RC, but also because I think its like really sexy to wear a scapular. So now you see me wearing the scapular around my neck and notice people going, “What the fuck is that black shit?!”

The “Real” Religion

Metal!!! \m/

Long time ago, lets say around 8-9 years back, when I was in the prime of my puberty and wondering why my testicles were getting so hairy, a new religion starting to engulf my soul. It included a lot of hair (stop thinking of my testicles), a lot of beard, tattoos and a lot of screaming and growling. No I’m referring to bestiality, I’m referring to Metal. The Music. The Real Savior!

Of course over a period of time it went from the the nice commercial stuff that even the wannabes listen to, to stuff like Meshuggah that 90% of you dumb fucks don’t understand.

Metal is an acquired religion. You either get it or you don’t. I also know that almost all of you will not watch the complete video that has been posted above, but that’s alright, I’m not forcing my religion upon you.

If you land up watching the video, you will wonder why and how can I listen and watch this shit. Let me stress upon a tiny fact, that childhood trauma is the worst, and it will always come back to haunt you. Remember, I mentioned before that the charismatic meetings where like a metal concert? As a kid I heard a priest/preacher screaming into a mic. Now I hear the band’s singer doing so. As a kid I heard the hymns that I never understood. Now I hear complicated guitar riffs and time signatures that goes over my head. As a kid the preacher would suddenly go crazy. Now the singer suddenly goes crazy. As a kid I saw people faint, fall and act weird. Now I see people in moshpits, they fall, they crowd surf, they act weird. As a kid I would look around and think, “What the fuck!” Now I look around and think, “Yeah, what the fuck!”

And you think I’m not religious?

PS: Comments that directly offend any religious community will be deleted at my discretion.

2010
07.14

Oh Paulo Coelho, why? Why did you do this to me?!

I don’t normally do book review or things of that sort, but The Alchemist was one of those best sellers that I had heard of and I just had to read. I managed to get my hands on a nice pirated copy of it and thought to myself, ‘Now I shall read this shit and I can converse with the masses on what a great book it is.’ Or so I thought!

Now, if you are a Paulo Coelho fan, or if you are Paulo Coelho himself, you may be offended with what you are going to read next. So let me warn you, like I always do, this post may really hurt your feelings. Let me also warn you that I’m gonna save all you aspiring readers from reading the book by telling you what happens in a few paragraphs. So you may thank me at the end.

In my hand was the great book. I start reading it. Some dude staring into a lake of some sort and all that jazz. Out of this world kinda stuff. Paulo, you are bending my mind. You are awesome! The reviews said it is a book that would change my life. ‘Change my life’ it did. I almost gave up reading.

The story is about this young shepherd who takes his sheep around Spain I guess, and keeps dreaming non stop. He sees Egypt in his dream and some treasure is to be found and all that jazz. Amazing setup. Young boy, seeks glory, has sheep, ready to travel. Brilliant! Lets name him Mr. Dumb Ass. Oh wait, he is Spanish, we shall baptize him Senior Culo Tonto.

So Culo Tonto, stud man sexy Spaniard that he is, decides to go to some fancy place to sheer his sheep in front of some rich mofo and say, “Ola Senorita” to the mofo’s chica. Culo supposedly is in love with this chica. But no! He meets some smart ass old man on the way who I bet got a lot of chicas in his glory days (coz he is some kinda king), who convinces Culo to give him his sheep and says, “Go chase your dream tiger, grrrr.” And Culo was on his way. Les Pyramids, here I come. What happened to the  chica no one knows. I bet the smart ass old king kong musta shown her some shamalama ding dong and lets not go any further.

Oh yes, king kong also gave Culo a couple of his shiny nuts. He pulled em off his chest plate. Some kinda shut. I guess its some Spanish tradition or something. I don’t really know why so much fuss was made over this scene considering that those nuts were not even used anywhere in the book. Okay, they did fall a couple of times, so what?

Culo is now on his way to the great Pyramids. Ambitious dumb **** that he is, he gets robbed and decides to stay at some lousy town and work till he can make money to buy sheep. Lots goes on here. Our Culo Tonto becomes Gran Culo Tonto and somehow he and this shopkeeper make some monies and Culo is back on track.

Culo then thinks, screw these sheep. I’m going to Les Pyramids! He now has to cross the desert. Which is a long boring journey with other men. Like when did the Spanish men start hanging out with men? Somewhere here I think I thought of committing suicide, but no! I had to read the book! It was going to change my life. I bet the life changing scene would be at the end. So read I did.

Somewhere and somehow all these men land up at an oasis. And voila what do they find? Chica #2 (and dates and water too). Chica #2 is equally dumb as Culo. We shall get back to her in a moment. Now everyone is chilling at the oasis, you know, smoking up their weed, abusing in Arabic, having a good time while doing their own shit. Until Culo decides to take a walk and sees two hawks flying in the sky. One hawk kills the other and Culo goes psycho. He tells the dude who runs the show at the oasis that they are gonna be attacked. Like who gives a shit in the first place?!

Chica #2. She comes to know that Culo is going see Les Pyramids and gets all senti. But says that she is a ‘woman of the desert’ and she will wait for him. Like yeah right. She gets all upset and watches him leave.

On the way to Les Pyramids, Culo (and his friend, some Alchemist guy) get robbed by some bad men. Who make Culo talk to the wind and the sun. Real dumb scene this was. Like I pushed my imagination to the limit but still could not figure out what problem the sun had with the wind. But the two were like having this face off in the middle of the desert (like its not already hot enough) and then Culo is the stud man again.

Back to seeing Les Pyramids!

So stud man Culo the Spaniard is back with his Alchemist friend and the two are en route. But Alchemist dude suddenly decides to pull back and like as though it was some kinda movie scene, he lets Culo go on alone from now on. So our man is now almost near Les Pyramids, he sees them and then starts digging a hole. And… and… and.. tada!!! He gets mugged. And for the third time Culo the dumb ass gets robbed. Oh, and if I forgot to mention, he did not find any treasure.

He comes back to Spain, to the spot where he had the dream and finds some stash there. Amen. Life changing book!! My culata!

Oh and Culo is an Alchemist to.

Somebody stab me for Christ’s sake!!

2010
05.30

The Shit We Eat

I was sitting and wondering what to do. Thought I’d start editing some photos but then I was feeling too lazy. Thought I’d stalk the hot chick who stays opposite our place, but then I think her guy was over. So then again I thought I’d open up Picasa and edit some photos, and lo and behold I came across some photos that I had clicked long back when I was in Goa.

As always, like a good author, I’d like to throw a disclaimer at your face saying the content that you are about to read and the photos that you are about to see may be very disturbing and offensive, so please read on (you bet you wanna) at your own discretion. Having said that let me dive into the crap that I titled (drum roll) – “The Shit We Eat”.

First lets get to know the “We” in picture. We would be, my people, my family. Basically the Goan family. We eat a lot of shit that you people would not even think were edible. If it moves we eat it. If it’s on my plate, smelling good and tasting even better, we eat it. If it’s not tasting good, we make it taste good and then we eat it.

Below is a photo of my mom at the butchers shop at the Mapusa Market in Goa.

Butcher - Mapusa Market

Now please do not be offended if you see your God’s leg hanging and being bargained over. That shit tastes real good. It may smell bad there hanging from a hook, blood dripping (which is good, fresh) from it. But now imagine that shit, on your plate smelling awesome and tasting real good. How do I explain that?!

I think we bought some cow’s tongue that day. Yes we eat tongue. Name the animal, state if it got tongue or not, send it through the kitchen and we are eating it next thing. Didn’t I just say, if it moves we eat it? Well the tongue is lying somewhere in the butcher’s shop. If you are a regular, you get the best meat and the other body part will be available on request.

Cow is just one of those poor animals that make it to our kitchen. Pig being the other regular. Will dissect the pig later and let you know what we do with that. For now, and as far as my knowledge is concerned, I shall try and recollect what all have made it onto my plate, into my stomach and now resides in our septic tank. Cow, pig, tortoise, swine, deer, camel, porcupine, duck, frog, goat, sheep, rabbit (?) and a lot more I guess. Even if I had to eat human, I’d eat as long as it tasted good.

Now I know all you People for Animals, Save our Animals and ‘OMFG I dunno why I’m an animal activist’ people might really hate me by now, but how do you expect me to control my hunger for blood. It’s the freaking Goan food chain. Eat the meat else be banished from the family. Yes, I’ve seen all those PETA websites and advertisements, and yes, I fell sorry for the manner in which the animals are treated. And, let me stress on this, no one has the right to slam an animal on its head and kill it. That’s really bad. But at the end of the day, the meat eaters are not gonna stop eating meat.

Alright, now to the real shit that we eat. Its pig and its called ‘Sorpotel‘. Wikipedia threw up some bullshit and I could not find any relevant information, so now I’m gonna share the graphic recipe of preparing the all so famous, Sorpotel.

Ingredients:

1 pig (piglet will do too, depending on the number of hungry people waiting to eat)
A few Goan women (mothers preferred, grandmothers a bonus)
A few Goan men (to catch and kill the fucking pig in the first place)

Now that we have what takes to get this shit started, lets dig into the details and learn how to catch the fucking pig.

A typical Goan house would consist of a front yard, the house, the family pet running around, a well and a nice spacious backyard. Now, this is the typical Goan house. Most of the house are not so typical, like our. The front yard is so fucked up that there is no front yard. I’m gonna fucking break that shit and make a front yard, but don’t let my pop know, not while he is alive at least. The house would be this thick walled stone structure that’s like really high and with a tiled roof. Tiles are sexy. Concrete is fuck all. The family pet could be a cat, a dog or the neighbor’s dog. The back yard, and yes we got this fucking shit right. It’s this awesome huge area with a well, a lot of plants and trees and enough of space to keep animals that we can kill and eat some day.

So the typical house would have a back yard with hens, pigs, snakes and sometimes cows too. Now we never had cows but yes we did have a pig and we baptized that fucker ‘Slayer’ and slay he did. Mother fucker listened to heavy metal and head banged and threw the horns at the neighbors pig. Satan was there in our back yard. The sty was the moshpit.

Well, seems like I got a bit carried away and drifted way outa topic. Okay, now that we have a back yard and a pig. Lets get on to “How to kill the mother fucker”.

How to kill the mother fucker

First, make sure all the exits of the back yard are closed. Make sure the back door is closed too. You don’t wanna sacrifice the swine in the bed room. Not that its uncool, more because you don’t wanna have blood all over the walls. Once the exits are sealed, get hold of some of the local butchers. These guys can be found at the local bars or ghados (tea/snack stalls). If you cant locate one of these dudes, just leave a word at the bar or local joint and the dude will show up at your door step. Lets baptize him as Pig Killer.

Pig killer will show up at your back door and take you by surprise. Most of the time you and the whole village know the pig killer, so lets make it clear that he is not dangerous and he will not rob your house even if its unlocked. Pig killer will come, have a look at the pig and then go for a walk. In his absence, the women in the house will keep the knives, utensils, etc ready. Pig killer will go and get a few more men depending on the size of the pig. He will also smoke a few cigarettes have a few pegs of the local liquor and then turn up at your door step once again. Now, its not a bad thing to have stinking men roam around the village, its actually very cool and part of the culture. Our drunken men happen to be very nice and effective.

Pig killer (and his men) will survey the area. Pig by now knows that he’s gonna fucking die. Pig radar and telepathic pig signals from kilometers away (even from other villages) have already informed pig that the stinky Pig killer is here to kill him. Pig goes into defensive mode. Pig surveys the backyard for exit points. Pig killer sharpens knives. The stove in the kitchen is lit up. Water is set to boil. Pig killer approaches pig. Pig’s defensive mode turns into panic mode. Chaos breaks lose, pig shoots towards the exit, pig killer chases pig, pig killer’s supporters distract pig, pig gets scared, runs into the wall, tries to jump, no hope, runs back, runs around the back yard. Pig killer and associates corner pig. Pig makes a dash and tries to run past them, pig killer manages to grab hold of pig. Associates jump in and pig killer ties up pigs legs. The squealing can be heard kilometers away, other pigs mourn the what would be the demise of one of theirs for the sake of a family meal. Pig is properly tied up and brought to a stone or step where what would next be the cutting of the neck.

Seeing that pig is all tied up, the women of the house brings out a bowl of hot water and another bowl to collect the pigs blood. No this is not for some voodoo or mumbo jumbo ritual, its to add to the taste of the what would become sorpotel.

(Lovell D’souza is hungy now, he steps out for dinner.)

Pig killer now has a tight grip on pigs snout, his knee digs into pig’s body disabling any moves that pig could throw at him. And, in one clean swipe with precision that would impress the best of surgeons, pig’s neck is slit.

(Please stand and observe two minutes of silence for pig.)

Pig’s blood is collected in the utensil. This is taken to the kitchen. Pig dies in a few minutes and Pig killer loosens his grip. The hot water is poured onto pig so that the hair is loosened up. With a blade, most of the time a Wilkinson, pig is cleaned and ready to be chopped up. The chopping part happens in the open, amidst the other animals including the neighbor’s kids. This is a very important event in the life of a Goan child. The killing of a pig is a significant symbolic act depicting the beginning of a family feast. Oh yes, it also makes you immune to those PETA vidoes on Facebook and YouTube. Now, I’m not saying don’t kill the animals. Kill them. But kill them with respect, like the way Pig killer does.

Pig’s body by now is fully chopped up. Pig killer will chop pig up as per the instructions of the woman of the house. The only part of the pig that does not go into the Sorpotel are the pigs hooves. Or wait, maybe they do. I’ll have to ask my mom. Anyway, then entire pig is chopped up and all the body parts are ready to be cooked. The heart, kidneys, lungs, brain, intestines all form an essential part of the all so great Sorpotel.

Intestines get a little more attention compared to other body parts. Mainly because, well er, they fucking lead to the asshole. Now pig would surely shit when he sees Pig killer, but some shit would of course be lying there, deep down at the end of the lower intestine just waiting to make it onto your plate. But, NO! The intestines are nicely cleaned and the food, shit, etc is pushed out and what we are left with are nice, clean, washed intestines. Yay!

How to cook this shit

The women set the kitchen abuzz. Pig is now ready to make it onto the stove. I’m not going to go into these details, so please refer to the recipe link on top. Oh did I forget to mention, I hate the smell that it emits when being cooked.

The conclusion

Oh wait, did I forget to mention? I don’t eat Sorpotel. That shit fucking stinks and tastes like fucking shit!