Apr 10

(This is a true story that happened on 5th Dec 2003 between 8pm and 4am. This is real old shit hand picked from the archives…)

December 5th 2003, a quiet evening, stars in the sky, Christmas carols echoing throughout the neighborhood. Not always does the day come when metal fans get what they want, when dopers get what they need, when starved unnourished souls get vitamins and syrups, and when people get sacrificed. A weird atmosphere engulfed the surroundings of BTF - 6, Chandranath Apartments, Mapusa.

Not many people were there. Just a few, a few who mattered were present. Just around six people excluding the host. Three rockers and three dopers, of which all were hungry - some for food, others for blood. There was no special Birthday Cake, the only thing that did get cut was the birthday boy, and man he did bleed hard. Blood splattered all around the house, the victim quietly bearing the immense pain. A timely introduction of a waterproof band aid was the savior of the moment.

Initially Sepultura set the ambiance with ‘Roots’. Old friends did some catch up. The script of a movie was reviewed. Then came the dose of Pantera. Rockers head banged and tried to break necks. Though no necks broke, the attempt was worth it. The not so divine intervention of food saved the rockers. Seven people consumed a meal cooked for twenty. With all due respect to the mom who made it possible (Daniel’s mom of course). Those poor chickens who sacrificed their lives for the auspicious day should be now somewhere near the pearly gates of heaven along with the other billions and St. Peter.

Dessert was gobbled down in a matter of seconds. Seven spoons in one single gigantic bowl. The Alphonso mango ice-cream was consumed like a carcass feasted upon by hungry vultures. Then came the period in which all the minds were cooled off and some freaks started to make music videos. A web-cam, a Pentium III, some 256MB RAM made possible some really weird and rather depressing but energetic music videos. Sorry to say that only a limited few will have access to these videos.

What happened next was out of the blues. Four people left. They had had enough. But they went smiling. Left back were three old pals. A rocker, a freak and another rocker. They discussed topics which are too sensitive to be written and tortured and murdered a few mosquitoes. Before long the freak left and one rocker washed dishes, while the other just listen to his shit and offered some shit of his own. The washing of the dishes got over, but the talking went on till around 3:45 am and by 4 am, the two rockers lay dead.

Feb 11
  1. I find a government building to spit my Paan [red beetle nut sweet] on.
  2. My country goes into state mourning if the cricket team loses a match.
  3. I throw my garbage in the middle of the road [public places].
  4. I go pick someone else’s garbage, wash it, and reuse it.
  5. When I look at women I only think of sex.
  6. My browser’s homepage is a pornographic website.
  7. I reserve a bus/train [public transport] seat with my handkerchief.
  8. My accent changes the minute I get my visa.
  9. I wash cars in Canada, but I’m a software engineer to my Indian relatives.
  10. I’m obsessed with white skinned sexy women.
  11. I write/draw perverted content on public walls.
  12. I give money to beggars hoping that I get more [money] from God
  13. I go to the temple to find a new pair of shoes.
  14. I don’t get any of my work done without having to bribe someone.
  15. I condemn all the systems, even after having bribed half the people who get my things done.
  16. My driving license was gifted to me by my uncle’s friend for my twelfth birthday.
  17. My electric power supply is provided by my neighbors meter.
  18. I borrow my friend’s bike and make sure to empty the fuel tank before returning it.
  19. I believe in politics at work rather than hard work.
  20. My neighbor’s house is my garbage bin.
  21. I travel in public transport without a ticket.
  22. I do not vote.
  23. My God is Rajnikanth [film actor]
  24. My news channel show me breaking news the whole day [and night].
  25. I cross the roads along with cows.
  26. My wife buys gold on her evening walk.
  27. I go for morning walks to watch hot women jogging.
  28. My car driver is my newspaper.
  29. I eat with the same hand I cleaned my nose with.
  30. My Neighbours grandaunt is the voodoo doctor.
  31. Others think that I believe in 3,263 superstitions.
  32. I bathe in the worlds most dirtiest river the Ganga [with all due respect] to cleanse my soul.
  33. I try to cheat foreign tourists on the street.
  34. I enter the ladies compartment in the local train.
  35. I think that ladies seats are for all people in the buses.
  36. I enter crouded buses just to rub myself against hot women.
  37. Every 8th person is an MBA.
  38. I go abroad to study because I can’t get admissions in my own country. And I devote 80% of my time working part-time, just to pay back the massive student loan.
  39. I think of marrying and American woman to get my green card.
  40. I burn my own house to get the insurance money.
  41. Family planning is a sin to me, as children are God’s gift.
  42. I fall sick to watch a cricket game.
  43. I keep the box my mobile phone came in, even after selling my phone, just because I liked the packing. [Materialism]
  44. All half the people around me are Behanchoot’s.
  45. I get a national holiday for an India-Pakistan cricket match.
  46. I lose my virginity two days after marriage, after getting proper instructions from my friends.
  47. I go to my neighbors house to watch tv, just to keep my electricity bill low.
  48. I miscall my friends when I want to talk to them.
  49. I go on a honeymoon with my whole family.
  50. I drink cows urine and heal my wounds with it.
  51. talking about sex is taboo but the country has the largest population in the world.
  52. I skip red lights and make user to park in no parking zones.
  53. I am an Indian when i congratulate on someones birthday, and say same to you when someone wishes me birthday.
  54. I don’t know the meaning of one way.
  55. I push the door when its meant to pull.
  56. I go to shopping malls for window shopping and interviewing the salesman.
  57. Any space is a parking space for my vehicle.
  58. I hate other religion but people think i am a secular.

and feel free to add you own..

Aug 26

Sometimes when shit happens, you want to be able to articulate the experience more than just you’ve, taken a shit. Here are some shit definitions to help you explain the situation better to your friends and family…

Thanks to a friend, who did not want his name to be mentioned, for providing this shit about shit!! And, if you guys don’t laugh reading this then you ought to get your rectum checked.


Ghost Shit
You know you’ve shit. There’s shit on the toilet paper, but no shit in the bowl.

Teflon Coated Shit
Comes out so slick, clean and easy that you don’t feel it. No traces of shit on the toilet paper, you have to look in the bowl to be sure you did it!

Gooey Shit
This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe your ass 12 times and it still doesn’t come clean. You end up putting toilet paper in your underwear so you don’t stain it. This shit leaves permanent skid marks in the toilet.

Second Thought Shit
You’re all done wiping your ass and you’re about to stand up when you realize it…..you’ve got some more.

Pop a Vein in Your Forehead Shit
This kind is the kind of shit that killed Elvis. It doesn’t come until you’re all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.

Bali Belly Shit
You shit so much you lose 5 kilos.

Right Now Shit
You better be within 10 seconds of a toilet. Usually it has its head out before you get your pants down.

King Kong or Commode Choker Shit
This shit is so big that you know it won’t go down the toilet unless you break it into smaller chunks. A coat hanger works well. This kind of shit usually happens at someone else’s house.

Wet Cheeks Shit
This shit hits the water sideways and makes a BIG splash that gets your ass wet.

Wish Shit
You sit there all cramped up and fart a few times, but no shit!

Cement Block or Oh God Shit
You wish you’d gotten a spinal block before you shit.

Snake Shit
This shit is fairly soft and about as big around as your thumb and at least three feet long.

Cork Shit (Also Known as Floater Shit )
Even after the third flush, it’s still floating in there. My god! How do I get rid of it? This shit usually happens at someone else’s house.

Mexican Food Shit (also called Screamers)
You’ll know it’s alright to eat again when your asshole stops burning.

Beer Drunk Shit
This happens the day after the night before. Normally your shit doesn’t smell too bad, but this shit is BAD. Usually there’s somebody standing outside to use the bathroom. This kind of shit also usually happens at someone else’s house.

The Frightened Turtle
The kind of shit that just pokes its head out then quickly goes back in.

The Bungee Shit
The kind of shit that just hangs off your ass before it falls into the water.

The Ring of Fire Shit
The kind of shit where you eat really spicy food and your asshole feels like the inside of a cigarette lighter.

The Crippler
The kind of shit where you have to sit on the toilet so long your legs go numb from the waist down.

The Big Bobber
The kind of shit that no matter how many times you flush it always floats back to the surface.

The Shitty Shitty Bang Bang
The kind of shit that hits you when you’re trapped in your car in a traffic jam.

The Incredible Hulk Shit
The king of shit that sits in the toilet overnight and mysteriously expands to twice it’s normal size.

The Jack the Ripper Shit
The kind of shit that yanks out the hair of your ass as it pushes its way out.

The Party Pooper
The giant shit you take at a party. And when you flush the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise.

The Toxic Gas Shit
The kind of shit that makes you pass out and fall of the toilet before you finish, and then you wake up in some strange South American town.

Dirty Bowl Shit
The kind of shit that comes out in a million pieces a second, reminiscent of an avalanche - but with rocket propulsion, and splatters all over the toilet bowl.

The Windy City Shit
When you sit down, and fart for so long and hard that you no longer need to take a shit.

Oh Shit! Shit
You shit so much and wipe your ass so furiously you run out of toilet paper and you say OH SHIT!

The Never Ending Shit
It’s the shit that keeps running out of your ass like pea, and just when you start wiping your ass your stomach gargles and splash, more shit runs out. This always happens after eating at Kentucky Fried Chicken.

Ouch That Hurt Shit
The type of shit that leaves you feeling like you just hoped onto a bicycle without a seat. Sensation usually lasts hours.


Amen to that!!