Now, now, don’t fall for those innocent looks. So we have all heard about that phase of female infanticide in India. Those of you who haven’t, you gotta click on that link you just saw. Back in the day, these crazy people here in India suddenly realized that cute little baby girls were of no use. They found them to be a burden. They were a bane to the families they were born into. And so, like it wasn’t cruel or anything, those mother fuckers started to kill the baby girls. I shall not indulge into the means of how this was brought about as I may lose readers.

What those dumb fuck did not realize was that our generation would have to suffer. Have you ever stepped onto the street and wondered, “Fuck, the place is full of ugly dark men”. I mean, where are the fucking girls?! Where is the estrogen? Show me some menopause. But no! You are walking around and its just freaking disgusting males all over the place! And then suddenly one woman will appear from nowhere and, not that she is hot or anything (considering that this country’s population comprises of 90% ugly people, women included), all the ugly men will start to stare at her. For fucks sake, she is not even hot! Fuck that shit! Not to mention the scratching of the crotch ritual that most Indian men follow.

It must have been all fancy back then, during the 80′s to kill the girl child. All that the freaking fools could think was, “Oh fuck, its a girl again, we are running out of dowry”. Fuck this country. Dowry is some other bullshit that is still in vogue here. I’ll dedicate a post for that some other time. But yes, as I was saying, the poor little girls were killed and all we are left with today is so much cock and no vagina!

Five million girls were eliminated between 1986 and 2001. I read that shit somewhere. Oh fuck, wait, I was born right about then. You older fucker, if you are reading my blog, then I have a message for you. From the bottom of my heart and with all due respect, I just wanna say, “Fuck you, you fucking ruined it for me and my friends”. Who the fuck kills baby girls?!

Look at her! What has she, and the other millions of her, done to deserve this!! I can understand if your baby was like freaking ugly. There is no place for ugly babies in society. Now, before you can start abusing me for making that statement, let me defend it. Imagine your ugly child at school. He/she is so ugly that all the other kids make fun of him/her all the time. Now, you don’t want that to happen right. In that case, you are free to kill you kid. We have enough of ugly people in this country. We shall start the ‘Kill the Ugly Baby’ campaign some other time.

Fore fathers, you have to be given credit for screwing this country over. They say that Indian men are the greatest perverts. I do agree. You may read this blog post on why Indian men disgust me. But the only people to be blamed are the fore fathers of these Indian men.

Now imagine little innocent Indian boy, growing up with all cock around him. All cool, he runs around play with the other innocent Indian boys chasing balls and butterflies. And then, suddenly with no warning whatsoever, he grows up! And once grown up, he goes away from home and his beloved boy friends to places where there are girls! Suddenly, he sees boobs and he is like, ‘Wow!’. The forces of nature take over. The Indian boy, now an Indian man, scratches his crotch. He stares at these amazing creations filled with estrogen. Indian man does not know what to do. He keeps staring.

Suddenly Indian man is at the beach. He sees feminine skin, and he knows not how to react. Indian man goes says something stupid to her. She tells him to fuck off. Indian man displays rage and abuses her. Newspaper prints that the girl was scantly dressed hence Indian man acted the way he did.

And who is to be blamed?!?!?! Fore fathers, if only, you had let the little Indian boy have little Indian girls around him when he was small, he would have known where the boobs came from and would not have to explore the woman like she was something that fell off a space ship. Had you killed the baby boy instead, we could have had Indian girls abusing the men, and trust me we are totally fine with that. But no!!! You killed the baby girls!!

Back to what we started off with. How can you kill a baby girl! Yes, people from the older generations, I am really disappointed with you. And yes, fuck you!

What you guys have done cannot be forgiven! Lets have two minutes of silence, and while we are at that, lets try and picture how much eye candy there would be on the road had our forefathers killed the boy child instead. Now, before you can lash out and say, “Hahha, Lovell, you fucking dumb fuck of all dumb fucks, you were born in the 80′s, you would be dead too”, I’d like to stress on the fact that I was born on a great day somewhere in 1985 and records state that the female infanticide started some time in 1986, so I’m fucking safe!

Which bring me to my campaign. Death to the Boy Child.

• Aren’t you fed up of all the ugly men around?
• Aren’t you done watching ugly men pee anywhere and anytime?
• Aren’t you done with ugly men staring at your assets, even though you are not even hot?
• Aren’t you fed up of all the groping and letching?
• Aren’t you fed up of all the Indian men?!

If ‘yes’ was the answer to any of the above questions, then I have to make one thing clear. We cannot, and by no means kill these grown up ugly men. Society is against us, because society is full of these Indian men. Hence, I’d like you to join me in starting the ‘Death to the Boy Child’ campaign. All that we have to do is request all the parents to kill their baby boys. Parents who have male kids below the age of 10, can join in too. Lets not do what our fore fathers did. Lets kill the baby boys instead. If China can do it, then India can do it too!

Now to what happened.

I wake up in the morning, actually it was more like an afternoon. But on a Saturday, my morning begins post noon. The guy who takes care of the house was in our balcony. This guy is also the laundry man of the colony, and he uses our terrace to dry his clothes sometimes. We are cool with that as long as there is someone to keep an eye on our place so that robbers and murderers stay away. And, the terrace is huge, so we don’t really have to look at someone else’s underwear hanging around. I don’t really know this guy’s name, so lets call him Appa.

Appa greets me can calls me sahib  (thats like ‘sir’ in hindi). I feel good. My morale is boosted. Alright!

Appa: You guys came pretty late last night. Wasn’t it around like 2 am?
Me: Yeah we did come late.
Appa: Had to work overtime I guess.
Me: Yeah, theres a lot of work. (If only he knew what bad people we were, he would stop hanging the clothes on our terrace).
Appa: I was ironing clothes late into the night. Even I have a lot of work nowadays.
Me: Yeah I noticed you. (Sh*t suddenly he makes me feel so bad).
Appa: You guys were awake even after that, I saw your balcony light on.
Me (F*ck, hope he did not see how we disposed the bodies): Ya, there was a dead cat here and two dead mice too. We were disposing the bodies.
Appa: What? Only one cat?
Me (Holy mother of the Phantom): What? There are more dead cats here???!!!
Appa: Yes.

Appa walks to a small cemented block in which our water meter takes shelter and points to it. And there lay another dead feline. It’s body under the meter, with one paw on top of the meter and another pointing towards the North Pole I guess. It had bled through the nose, all the blood dried by now. Disgusting sight. Well, not really that disgusting, but disgusting to some extent nevertheless. Appa puts his hand into the  water meter compartment, finds the tail of the cat and tugs on it. It does not budge a bit. Must have died last night and it’s body had become stiff. Appa gives another hard tug and manages to get the dead cat out. It’s body had taken a very weird indescribable  shape. He carries it to our gate, and in one smooth swing of the arm, he flings it in to the dumping area we used the previous night. Blood drops from the cats nostrils flew into the air and went splat on the cemented road outside.

The second dead cat was disposed. Let me stress on one point. The manner in which we disposed the bodies the previous night was much more respectful. Something just short of a 21 gun salute.

Appa: Ah, that was that.
Me: What happened? How come so many dead animals in our balcony suddenly? Is the house haunted? I bet it is! No wonder the landlord gave it to us for such a low price.
Appa: No sahib, no no! This house is not haunted. It is the best house in the colony.
Me: Then what happened here?
Appa: Well yesterday just before Vignesh sahib could come some cats were fighting. One male cat came and started fight. It must have killed the two cats. Lots of noise sahib. Even the ladies next door came to watch what was going on.
Me: They came to watch? Couldn’t they shoo the cats away?
Appa: What to do sahib? I am only a laundry man, if I tell them what to do, they will stop giving their clothes to me. The cats were fighting for quite a while. I think the male cat killed the other cats. The mother cat is still somewhere around.
Me: Hmm, that’s disgusting. Male cats tend to kill kittens which are not theirs, and are in their territory.

Appa leaves and then I start to put all the pieces together. Two dead cats, two dead mice. Mother cat alive. Male cat killed the cats. Cashew nuts. White liquid out of the first cats mouth. A paranoid Vignesh.

Okay, so here is what might have happened that gory night.
Mother cat and her two kid cats must have come across the two dead mice or must have caught and killed them. The mice must have been poisoned by our crazy neighbor, surely. Kid cats must’ve been enjoying the evening snack and spending some quality time with mother cat. Male cat arrives and realized that those two kid cats are not his. All hell breaks lose. Male cat starts a fight. Mother cat starts to defend the kid cats. One kid cat runs and hides under the water meter. Male cat grabs hold of the first kid cat’s neck. Mother who is not as big and strong as male cat is not able to defend her kid cat or do anything. Male cat’s jaw are too strong for the kid cat’s neck. Kid cat starts to choke. Male cat shifts his attention to the other kid cat. He grabs hold if its next and chokes it to death. The second kid cat dies under the water meter. Male cat for some reason decides to leave. The first kid cat chokes to death slowly. The poison from the mouse starts to take it’s effect too. Vignesh comes home to see the mess of a murder. Panics and calls me. I’m too engrossed with the glass of rum in front of me. I talk him into coming to Club 8 and drinking too, not knowing how bad the situation was. Vignesh, with his fetish for alcohol, caves in and comes to Club 8. Somewhere between then and 2 am, the first kid cat dies. Two mice and two cats are left dead.

Case solved.

And, here are photos of Dead Mouse #1, Dead Mouse #2 and Dead Cat #1. The photographs are blurred, but if you are one of those people who go eeeeeewwww for no reason at all, then you are warned.

My phone buzzes.

Vignesh: Dude, there’s a cat in our balcony and I think it’s dying. Where are you?
Me (in my head): F*ck you man. Kill it. Make the weight on Mother Earth less by a few kilos.
Me (in reality): I’m at Club 8 man.

Club 8
The place everyone loves to hate. Nothing fancy about this place, just that play some good metal numbers and it’s shady to some extent. The pros: They play stuff like RATM, Nirvana, etc. Bad @$$ pro: Very, very close to our house. The cons: No chicks. Real bad @$$ con: Some Telugu annas sometimes start to dance. Really freaky, but very amusing. Lets leave the cons aside, coz anyway we just go there to abuse and have drinks with some good people.

Vignesh: You there?
Me: Yeah man.
Vignesh: What should I do? It’s breathing hard man. I think it’s gonna die soon.

Now you’d be wondering, why the hell does Vignesh have to call me to save a dying cat? Well to add some context, I’ve been the proud master of a female cat named Tommy and I was expected to play Superman in this situation.

Me: Give it some water. Or, just give it a slight tap on the back man.
Vignesh: Tried that, nothings happening. Actually, I was moving the bike back, but it was wasn’t budging, and then I realized the cat was behind the tire. I think I must’ve hurt it.

(Aha!!! Murderer!!!!!!!!)

Me: No man, don’t worry, the cat would’ve ran away the moment you touched the bike.
Vignesh: But what to do? It’s gonna die any moment! There are some cashew nuts in the house. Should I give it cashew nuts?
Me: I don’t think it’s gonna eat cashew nuts, but yeah you can give it some.
Vignesh: I’ll do that. But I really think it’s gonna die. What should I do.
Me: Come to Club 8, lets drink. The cat will probably go after a while.
Vignesh: Ok, I’m on my way.

Three minutes later he is at Club 8 and the drinks are on. Cheers!
From Club 8 we landed up at a colleagues place, indulged in some anti-social activities and once we were done we decided to head home around 2 am.

Open the main gate and, f*ck! Dead cat. Sh*t, f*ck this cat, couldn’t it have utilized the other 8 lives that it had or gone somewhere else and died? Bl**dy dead cat. Son of a b*tch cat.

So I go in an turn on the balcony light, and voila! Two dead mice on either side of the dead feline.

The badly screwed up crime scene
The dead cat was in the middle of the of the balcony. Near it’s mouth lay some cashew nuts. Yeah, cats don’t like ‘em nuts imported from Goa I guess. It’s neck had some puncture marks, but there was this liquid that had flown out of it’s mouth. But hard to say weather it had choked or it was poisoned. On it’s right, just at the foot of the stairs that lead to the terrace, was a dead mouse.

Dead mouse #1 looked like it had been choked and had it’s neck broken. It’s body was intact and in one piece, but yet it looked disgusting.

Dead mouse #2 was on the other side of the cat. This was one badly mutilated body. All that was left of it was its head, the backbone and the rear end of it’s body torn in a manner such that it was inside-out with the legs and tail facing the back of the skull. Very disgusting, hard to explain.

Vignesh: How do we dispose this stuff?
Me: Hmm.. dunno man. I think I’m high, lets do it tonight itself, else tomorrow morning when I wake up I won’t be able to do nothing.
Vignesh: Maybe we should toss a coin and the loser cleans the mess.
Me: Yeah amazing plan! Nobel award winning material you are. F*ck your plan, I’m going and getting a stick or something and we shall fling it out.

The front side of House #48, Hanuman Nagar Colony, faces an open deserted area, dedicated to disposal of waste by all the people of the colony. It also serves as a dumping spot for carcasses, and tonight we were gonna put it to some good use!

I walk around bout can’t find a stick. Just then my eyes fall upon a… oh wait, the manner in which we disposed the bodies would be considered ‘inhumane’ by a lot of people. Keeping that in mind I shall not document it. Lets just say that the 3 carcasses made it’s way into the deserted area with respect and some skills that would make Tiger Wood smile with appreciation.

Me: Alright, cool work man, high five!
Vignesh: Yeah, thank God. Hope I don’t get any nightmare with cats tonight.
Me: Screw the cats man.
Vignesh: Why do you abuse so much?
Me: Screw you too.
Vignesh: Goodnight machaan.
Me: Yeah.

And with that, the Tamil boy and the Goan boy go to their respective room and sleep.

What had happened that led to the death of the cat and mice? Was it Vignesh who ran over the cat with the bike? Was Vignesh the murderer? Why was it mentioned that there were two dead cats, but only one accounted for? How did this all happen? Will the readers get to see photos of the crime scene? Is Shiney Ahuja really ‘Bhai’-sexual?

For these answers, stay tuned for the next blog post! :D

Update: The Murder Mystery Solved is now up.