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Now to what happened.

I wake up in the morning, actually it was more like an afternoon. But on a Saturday, my morning begins post noon. The guy who takes care of the house was in our balcony. This guy is also the laundry man of the colony, and he uses our terrace to dry his clothes sometimes. We are cool with that as long as there is someone to keep an eye on our place so that robbers and murderers stay away. And, the terrace is huge, so we don’t really have to look at someone else’s underwear hanging around. I don’t really know this guy’s name, so lets call him Appa.

Appa greets me can calls me sahib  (thats like ‘sir’ in hindi). I feel good. My morale is boosted. Alright!

Appa: You guys came pretty late last night. Wasn’t it around like 2 am?
Me: Yeah we did come late.
Appa: Had to work overtime I guess.
Me: Yeah, theres a lot of work. (If only he knew what bad people we were, he would stop hanging the clothes on our terrace).
Appa: I was ironing clothes late into the night. Even I have a lot of work nowadays.
Me: Yeah I noticed you. (Sh*t suddenly he makes me feel so bad).
Appa: You guys were awake even after that, I saw your balcony light on.
Me (F*ck, hope he did not see how we disposed the bodies): Ya, there was a dead cat here and two dead mice too. We were disposing the bodies.
Appa: What? Only one cat?
Me (Holy mother of the Phantom): What? There are more dead cats here???!!!
Appa: Yes.

Appa walks to a small cemented block in which our water meter takes shelter and points to it. And there lay another dead feline. It’s body under the meter, with one paw on top of the meter and another pointing towards the North Pole I guess. It had bled through the nose, all the blood dried by now. Disgusting sight. Well, not really that disgusting, but disgusting to some extent nevertheless. Appa puts his hand into the  water meter compartment, finds the tail of the cat and tugs on it. It does not budge a bit. Must have died last night and it’s body had become stiff. Appa gives another hard tug and manages to get the dead cat out. It’s body had taken a very weird indescribable  shape. He carries it to our gate, and in one smooth swing of the arm, he flings it in to the dumping area we used the previous night. Blood drops from the cats nostrils flew into the air and went splat on the cemented road outside.

The second dead cat was disposed. Let me stress on one point. The manner in which we disposed the bodies the previous night was much more respectful. Something just short of a 21 gun salute.

Appa: Ah, that was that.
Me: What happened? How come so many dead animals in our balcony suddenly? Is the house haunted? I bet it is! No wonder the landlord gave it to us for such a low price.
Appa: No sahib, no no! This house is not haunted. It is the best house in the colony.
Me: Then what happened here?
Appa: Well yesterday just before Vignesh sahib could come some cats were fighting. One male cat came and started fight. It must have killed the two cats. Lots of noise sahib. Even the ladies next door came to watch what was going on.
Me: They came to watch? Couldn’t they shoo the cats away?
Appa: What to do sahib? I am only a laundry man, if I tell them what to do, they will stop giving their clothes to me. The cats were fighting for quite a while. I think the male cat killed the other cats. The mother cat is still somewhere around.
Me: Hmm, that’s disgusting. Male cats tend to kill kittens which are not theirs, and are in their territory.

Appa leaves and then I start to put all the pieces together. Two dead cats, two dead mice. Mother cat alive. Male cat killed the cats. Cashew nuts. White liquid out of the first cats mouth. A paranoid Vignesh.

Okay, so here is what might have happened that gory night.
Mother cat and her two kid cats must have come across the two dead mice or must have caught and killed them. The mice must have been poisoned by our crazy neighbor, surely. Kid cats must’ve been enjoying the evening snack and spending some quality time with mother cat. Male cat arrives and realized that those two kid cats are not his. All hell breaks lose. Male cat starts a fight. Mother cat starts to defend the kid cats. One kid cat runs and hides under the water meter. Male cat grabs hold of the first kid cat’s neck. Mother who is not as big and strong as male cat is not able to defend her kid cat or do anything. Male cat’s jaw are too strong for the kid cat’s neck. Kid cat starts to choke. Male cat shifts his attention to the other kid cat. He grabs hold if its next and chokes it to death. The second kid cat dies under the water meter. Male cat for some reason decides to leave. The first kid cat chokes to death slowly. The poison from the mouse starts to take it’s effect too. Vignesh comes home to see the mess of a murder. Panics and calls me. I’m too engrossed with the glass of rum in front of me. I talk him into coming to Club 8 and drinking too, not knowing how bad the situation was. Vignesh, with his fetish for alcohol, caves in and comes to Club 8. Somewhere between then and 2 am, the first kid cat dies. Two mice and two cats are left dead.

Case solved.

And, here are photos of Dead Mouse #1, Dead Mouse #2 and Dead Cat #1. The photographs are blurred, but if you are one of those people who go eeeeeewwww for no reason at all, then you are warned.

My phone buzzes.

Vignesh: Dude, there’s a cat in our balcony and I think it’s dying. Where are you?
Me (in my head): F*ck you man. Kill it. Make the weight on Mother Earth less by a few kilos.
Me (in reality): I’m at Club 8 man.

Club 8
The place everyone loves to hate. Nothing fancy about this place, just that play some good metal numbers and it’s shady to some extent. The pros: They play stuff like RATM, Nirvana, etc. Bad @$$ pro: Very, very close to our house. The cons: No chicks. Real bad @$$ con: Some Telugu annas sometimes start to dance. Really freaky, but very amusing. Lets leave the cons aside, coz anyway we just go there to abuse and have drinks with some good people.

Vignesh: You there?
Me: Yeah man.
Vignesh: What should I do? It’s breathing hard man. I think it’s gonna die soon.

Now you’d be wondering, why the hell does Vignesh have to call me to save a dying cat? Well to add some context, I’ve been the proud master of a female cat named Tommy and I was expected to play Superman in this situation.

Me: Give it some water. Or, just give it a slight tap on the back man.
Vignesh: Tried that, nothings happening. Actually, I was moving the bike back, but it was wasn’t budging, and then I realized the cat was behind the tire. I think I must’ve hurt it.

(Aha!!! Murderer!!!!!!!!)

Me: No man, don’t worry, the cat would’ve ran away the moment you touched the bike.
Vignesh: But what to do? It’s gonna die any moment! There are some cashew nuts in the house. Should I give it cashew nuts?
Me: I don’t think it’s gonna eat cashew nuts, but yeah you can give it some.
Vignesh: I’ll do that. But I really think it’s gonna die. What should I do.
Me: Come to Club 8, lets drink. The cat will probably go after a while.
Vignesh: Ok, I’m on my way.

Three minutes later he is at Club 8 and the drinks are on. Cheers!
From Club 8 we landed up at a colleagues place, indulged in some anti-social activities and once we were done we decided to head home around 2 am.

Open the main gate and, f*ck! Dead cat. Sh*t, f*ck this cat, couldn’t it have utilized the other 8 lives that it had or gone somewhere else and died? Bl**dy dead cat. Son of a b*tch cat.

So I go in an turn on the balcony light, and voila! Two dead mice on either side of the dead feline.

The badly screwed up crime scene
The dead cat was in the middle of the of the balcony. Near it’s mouth lay some cashew nuts. Yeah, cats don’t like ‘em nuts imported from Goa I guess. It’s neck had some puncture marks, but there was this liquid that had flown out of it’s mouth. But hard to say weather it had choked or it was poisoned. On it’s right, just at the foot of the stairs that lead to the terrace, was a dead mouse.

Dead mouse #1 looked like it had been choked and had it’s neck broken. It’s body was intact and in one piece, but yet it looked disgusting.

Dead mouse #2 was on the other side of the cat. This was one badly mutilated body. All that was left of it was its head, the backbone and the rear end of it’s body torn in a manner such that it was inside-out with the legs and tail facing the back of the skull. Very disgusting, hard to explain.

Vignesh: How do we dispose this stuff?
Me: Hmm.. dunno man. I think I’m high, lets do it tonight itself, else tomorrow morning when I wake up I won’t be able to do nothing.
Vignesh: Maybe we should toss a coin and the loser cleans the mess.
Me: Yeah amazing plan! Nobel award winning material you are. F*ck your plan, I’m going and getting a stick or something and we shall fling it out.

The front side of House #48, Hanuman Nagar Colony, faces an open deserted area, dedicated to disposal of waste by all the people of the colony. It also serves as a dumping spot for carcasses, and tonight we were gonna put it to some good use!

I walk around bout can’t find a stick. Just then my eyes fall upon a… oh wait, the manner in which we disposed the bodies would be considered ‘inhumane’ by a lot of people. Keeping that in mind I shall not document it. Lets just say that the 3 carcasses made it’s way into the deserted area with respect and some skills that would make Tiger Wood smile with appreciation.

Me: Alright, cool work man, high five!
Vignesh: Yeah, thank God. Hope I don’t get any nightmare with cats tonight.
Me: Screw the cats man.
Vignesh: Why do you abuse so much?
Me: Screw you too.
Vignesh: Goodnight machaan.
Me: Yeah.

And with that, the Tamil boy and the Goan boy go to their respective room and sleep.

What had happened that led to the death of the cat and mice? Was it Vignesh who ran over the cat with the bike? Was Vignesh the murderer? Why was it mentioned that there were two dead cats, but only one accounted for? How did this all happen? Will the readers get to see photos of the crime scene? Is Shiney Ahuja really ‘Bhai’-sexual?

For these answers, stay tuned for the next blog post! :D

Update: The Murder Mystery Solved is now up.

Crapumentary #1: Josh and Vig

Insight: Josh (Joshua) and Vig (Vignesh) are two colleagues who moved in together when they joined our great company!

Well nothing is wrong with them staying together, but we keep pulling their leg all the time.

Sadly, they do not reside together anymore. Here is our tribute to them!

Crapumentary #2: Disappearing Women

Insight: The women in our office went on a wedding spree. Yes, they all decided to get married and run away.

This is an uncensored look into the matter.

I’m in Hubli. The train has halted here for like forever. I’m listening to ‘Free’ by Powerman 5000, passing time on Google Maps with GPS and staring back at people who stare at me. Now don’t blame me just because I got a huge beard, a bag in the hand and act suspicious. Haha, it’s fun scaring people. Everyone is so afraid of dying.

There are a bunch of Goan uncles on the train. In their late 50′s for sure, but young at heart. They keep making fun of people in the train, in konkani. Goan uncles, they are always funny characters. Eat, drink, crack jokes, etc. If I’m not mistaken they are drinking whisky on the train.

The previous night was crazy. Everyone fighting for seats, but the TC comes and shows all of these people that his balls are the biggest and sets everything right. It was a real tiring day at work, had to play two CS (Counterstrike) games before leaving. Now our team gotta play Danny’s team. The thing you can do at the work place! I luuurrrvvvee my job!

Ah, the train has finally decided to move. should be another 4 hours and I will get to kiss Goan soil. Then I shall eat all kinds of meat. If it moves, I’ll eat it. Non-veg paradise here I come.

Uncles in the train are indeed boozing. They bought some sweets off the platform. Damn, I’m such a loser, I forgot to take anything for my folks. Hey, but I’m taking myself back, so what more? :P

Yesterday Danny and I headed off to ‘Club 8′ for some booze, heavy metal and to discuss Counterstrike strategies. Well that was that. Sadly contents of the discussion do not get published. :P

I then go to the urinal to unload all those glasses of vodka I had consumed. So I’m there taking a leak and suddenly a guy next to me say, “Are you a Muslim?”

Wtf? When did I get circumcised?? :P Just kidding you morons!!
Ok, back to the serious stuff.

[Please note, I do not get offended if anyone calls me a Muslim or a Jew or whatever. You can call me anything besides maharashtran..]

So here is the conversation:

• Moron: Are you a Muslim?
• Me (Thanks to all the booze in my blood): Do you have a problem with that? I mean, if you do we can settle it right here.
• Moron: No dude, no. I didn’t mean to offend you. I was just asking because of the beard.
• Me (adjusting my scapular, which looks like a tabeez): So if I have a beard and you call me a Muslim I’m supposed to get offended??
• Moron (now suddenly peeing extra and almost ready to cry): Er, no dude no..
• Me (on the verge of bursting into some extreme laughter): I’m a Roman Catholic man and I was just messing with you and I don’t care what creed you belong to.

I walk out and think, bl**dy f*cking Indian. Which brings me to the next part.

You see we talk about about what a great nation we are and all that. But the brains of the people in this country are already hardwired to loads of crap and they will never be able to change.

I don’t wanna take sides here, because personally I beleive all the sides are majorly screwed up. People are so attached to their creed and ready to kill the other just like that. No one even thinks of the consequences. Like, oh they borke our temple, lets go break their mosque. Oh they broke our mosque, lets burn their temple. Wtf?

I think everyone in this country should just take their creed and flush it down the loo. Screw, I don’t even wanna talk about this crap right now.

If you wanna discuss this with me then feel free to stop me anywhere and we shall discuss this over a glass of booze (which is on me).

Oh, that guy in the urinal, the look of his face… hahahaha.. that was so funny!

The cab routing is so f*cked right now. They making us wait for ages. Wtf. Vignesh aka Machaa loses his cool and go gives the cab routing guy a piece of his mind. Mukhi chooses to sleep. Lets skip these details.

The cab moves. We head to Masab Tank.

We are at the Machaa’s place right now. Mukhi cuts the onion and tomatoes. Vignesh breaks the eggs. I beat it up. Vignesh uses his skills and scrables the egg. It now acts as our starter.

Bottles come out. Finlandia. Blenders Pride. Malibu. Cheers! We start watching The Pursuit of Happiness. Machaa says he’l get senti and maybe start crying. Fat-ass Joshua enters, now we can crack some Joshua jokes :P

Everyone starts watching the movie as the drinks get consumed and eggs get eaten. Will Smith is doing a good job. And, Machaa looks at the screen like he could cry any moment. Haha. Josh says that tall guys are very senti. Well will come to know soon :D

At the Machaa’s!!! :P

Right now I’m at the Machaa’s place. The Moron is trying to convince Machaa about something I don’t wanna know. Oh and yes, Moron’s shit really stinks. Even worse is his shit mixed with the fragrance of sandalwood. Yeah, he just sprayed the toiled with that lousy air-freshener. It’s the penultimate torture. Ultimate being the shit itself. The 3 of us had to run for cover.

Now time for some pizza!! :D

Pizza done. Excellent stuff. Now to making fun of people. Dam, there’s no  booze. If only there was booze, things would have got more animated. Anyway, now back to making fun of more people.

That’s all folks!!!